SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E2: Brave New World

Do you think these writers ever read this one? I didn’t: it was never assigned in school, and I haven’t gotten around to it. From my understanding, it’s just regular life? Take your antidepressants and the dystopia won’t bother you so much? I take my weed, and the dystopia still bothers me, so I’m guessing the book doesn’t end well. Anyway, let’s get started!

Caroline is alive! I actually said, “Yay!” out loud before I realized: she had Damon’s blood in her system. Did Katharine just turn her into a vampire?!

Caro goes out to the nurses’ station saying she’s hungry, wondering where everyone is. The nurse says breakfast is in a few hours, and she needs to go back to bed. Her mom went home with her boyfriend, and Elena stopped by, isn’t she tired? She says no, and she remembers Elena saying she was Katharine - and then she smells blood, following the smell to another patient’s room and the bag hung for their transfusion. The nurse comes in and ferries her back to bed, but she’s stolen a bag, and she contemplates it before trying. It’s gross, she throws it across the room - but is it gross? Or is just the idea of it freaking you out? Does Caroline know about the vampires?! I mean, she did, but did Damon give her permanent brain damage?

I'm sorry, I just can't with that "permanent" memory loss

Anyway, Caro drinks the blood, obviously.

Bonnie and Elena are at the Mystic Falls High School ANNUAL CARNIVAL, and there is not even a hint of Founders on this one, y’all! What’s happening in season 2? NO FOUNDERS’ DAYS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Weyoun will have an aneurysm. 

Bonnie doesn’t understand how Katharine looks just like Elena, and Elena’s like, yeah, it’s fuckin’ weird, I have no explanations. Bonnie would be worried about Katharine running around impersonating her, but Elena doesn’t have the energy. She also hasn’t talked to Damon since he killed Jeremy. Bonnie changes the subject to running the carnival right, because otherwise Caroline will kill them: it’s her deal every year. Bonn wonders how she does it; Elena says it’s because she’s not human, ha ha.

Stefan explains vervain to Jeremy, telling him about the bracelet Elena gave him, how it prevents compulsion, how vervain can poison vamps. Jeremy also asks about stakes - they have to be wood - and says Stefan’s pretty chill with telling him all the ways to kill him. Jer brings up Damon, and Stefan warns him to stay away. Jeremy needs to put it behind him. Jeremy asks how he can move forward from being killed by a vampire and almost becoming one. I dunno, Jer, maybe ask for some more permanent brain damage!

Also, Jeremy appears to be going to class, but Elena comes up to make sure he’s set up the goldfish toss, and the school is decorated, but the parking lot is full of fair shit - is it fair day or class day?

always something for these guys to do. Time. How DOES that work?! 

Elena thought that the carnival would make Jeremy a regular teenager again. That they could all be normal teenagers for a day. Cute, girl. That’s not how anything works.

Oh, and Stefan keeps talking about how unbalanced and dangerous and off-kilter Damon is. Makes me think Damon is probably mostly fine, but we’re going to gin up some big nonsense to justify hating him, or something. Damon will continue chewing scenery and having a great time, I’m sure.

He’s having tea with Carol Lockwood. She asks if the vampire who attacked John Gilbert has been caught, and which one of the many are you asking about, Carol? Katharine cut his fingers off; Stefan forced him to drink blood and leave town. Hasn’t Damon knocked the guy around a little? Some of the raveyard vamps bullied him lightly?

Damon says that Sheriff Liz has asked him to take the lead on the investigation. He promises he will find the vampire responsible. Carol then tells him that she’ll be interim mayor until the election, and she needs someone to spearhead the Council. She wants Damon. He says all the right things, and this oughta be good.

Tyler and Mason come in; Carol explains that Mason never wanted anything to do with the Council when he lived there, and he still doesn’t now. So Damon eavesdrops: Mason’s looking for the deets about Tyler’s anger and aggression issues. Which are really his creature issues, obviously, and wouldn’t it be easier to just tell Tyler what he is? I mean, not on neurotypical TV, I know, I know.

Caroline is putting her fingers into a beam of sunlight, singeing them. Still a little doubt on the vampire front, I guess. Matt comes in with her… lunch? I thought it was breakfast, but he says that her mom told him she wasn’t eating, so. Matt says she’s getting out tomorrow morning, but Caroline insists that it be tonight, because… uh… “It’s just really depressing in here.” Matt says that’s because she’s sitting in the dark! (Side note: why do people think that? Trust me, if I’m sitting in the dark, I need it that way. I’ve never once wanted someone to open a drape or turn a light on when I’m sitting “in the dark”. It’s not dark for me, fuckface. Stop touching the big light.)

He opens the curtains and Caro dives for the other side of the room. He closes them, and asks her what’s wrong, but she can’t tell him! He says he’ll come by for later visiting hours. Caroline has a little freakout, understandably, but does she not know that other people know about vampires? Call someone! Call Damon, girl!

Who is pouring bagged blood into a glass when Stefan comes into the living room. Damon loves that he and Elena are walking on eggshells, waiting for Damon to “explode”, and he says he bets that every conversation Stefan and Elena have has been about him lately.

But Katharine’s boring. Let Damon tell Stefan about the Lockwoods, who are clearly not vampires, but something else. Stefan thinks it’s bullshit, that Damon has invented something to be obsessed with instead of Katharine. Damon points out, rightly, that they need to know what this is, but if Stefan wants him to drop it, he will! Stefan says Katharine is going to come back. Damon says that he’ll let Stefan deal with it. After all, she confessed her undying love for Stefan, not Damon, so why does Damon care?

Caroline continues vamping out apace. She compels the nurse and eats her after being burned by her vervain necklace, and we cut to commercial.

It’s full dark and the carnival is in full swing, Bonnie and Elena in charge of everything with zero adult supervision in sight. I was thinking about this yesterday, because I was on painkillers in bed watching Bring It On for the gazillionth time, as one does, and these teen shows and movies are always so bizarre to me. I never went to a club or organization meeting in high school without at least one staff advisor there, and usually there were two or three. Why these girls would be interfacing with CARNY STAFF, as they do in this scene to fix karaoke speakers, is a mystery only known to television and movie writers, apparently. I mean, obviously it’s for the drama, but if you have to ignore how high school would work in almost any given reality, I’m concerned about your writing prowess, actually.

The carny hits on Bonnie, ew, so she’s obviously in charge of showing him the problem. He is the most normal-looking carny I’ve ever seen, and Bonn’s a witch, so she should be fine, but still.

Mason is rifling through desk drawers when Tyler finds him. He says he’s looking for a stone that his dad gave to his mom - moonstone, big, very little monetary value. The “crystal”/jewel thing that’s Bonnie’s? That’s absolutely not a moonstone, it was amber colored, but at least Mason calls it ugly, because it fuckin’ is. Or this is something completely different. But Tyler says to ask Carol, so Mason says he will. Tyler seems unconvinced by the story, though.

Jeremy threatens to tell people what Damon actually is, and when Damon roughs him up a little, shows off his ring. So Damon takes the ring and puts Jeremy in a headlock and tells him that if he tells anyone what Damon is, Damon will “shove that ring so far up [his] ass [he’ll] really have something to choke on”.

The nurse is still alive; Caro has told her the story of her neck wound is that she and her husband like to get kinky and that she should forget that Caro bit her. Caro leaves the hospital to check on the carnival.

Damon’s watching Tyler win at arm-wrestling, which I recently just found out is like a crazy dangerous sport for arm injuries? Like people break their forearms all the time arm-wrestling, because the angles are off and we shouldn’t like, bend that way or something? (look, I have Ehlers-Danlos, I bend in very concerning ways and never break, so I wouldn’t know.) Some TikTok of a lady snapping her ulna was going around. Crazy shit.

Anyway. Damon’s watching Tyler and Stefan thinks he’s crazy and obsessed, but like, THE MAYOR WAS IN THAT BASEMENT WITH YOU GUYS. If you ask someone, they’ll tell you that both the Mayor and Tyler heard the noise that night. Stefan. You are being an idiot.

Mason comes up to challenge Tyler. He beats Tyler easily, and Damon offers that Stefan wants to challenge Mason. Stefan’s shocked that he loses, and Damon accuses him of not trying, but Stefan is now scared because he was trying. Mason isn’t a vamp, it’s not that much strength, but it definitely feels inhuman. Damon wonders what the Lockwoods are, and Stefan offers, “Ninja turtles. Zombies. Werewolves.” Damon says he’s not funny.

Damon grabs Bonnie’s carny (I think his name is Carter?) and compels him to pick a fight with Tyler, because Tyler is incapable of backing down. Damon hopes it’ll force Tyler to reveal what he is.

Caroline shows up as Damon walks away, following him down an empty hallway. Amazing, how this school is always unlocked, 24/7/365. Just wander in and grab a laptop, I guess.

Caroline is here for revenge. Damon manipulated her, abused her, lied to her, took her memory, FED ON HER. He says she can’t remember, it’s not possible, unless she’s becoming….

Caroline says she has a message from Katharine: “Game on.” Damon grabs her as she turns to go, so she shoves him halfway down the hall and to the floor. “You suck,” she says, and leaves, a shocked Damon staring after her.

Damon goes to get Elena, who says that whatever it is, she’s not interested, and then goes with Damon anyway, because he’s super super cereal, and even Elena can tell.

Carny Carter starts that fight with Tyler. Mason breaks it up before Stefan can see what happens, but since Carny was compelled, he keeps fighting until Mason knocks him out briefly. Stefan and Tyler both see Mason’s eyes go weird.

Caroline is not having a great night. She breaks bottles at the ring toss, she almost chomps Matt, and then has to start a fight with him to walk away.

Damon, Stefan, and Elena are having a summit about Caro’s vampirism. Damon says they have to kill her. Elena and Stefan say no. Damon reminds them about Vicki, and says that Caro can’t make it as a vampire. Elena says it’s not possible, and Damon reminds Stefan that there was a carnival the night they staked Vicki. Stefan maintains they will not be killing her.

Carny Carter is tending to his bleeding nose, and Caro apologizes before eating him.

Matt tells Bonnie that he and Caro are fighting, but he doesn’t know why, and describes her behavior, but he disagrees when Bonnie says she almost died, yadda yadda. He says he knows, but this is different.

Damon takes a stake from one of the tents.

Stefan and Elena debate whether Katharine is doing this to her or to him. I mean, she’s doing it to Caroline, currently, but I understand y’all are the center of the universe, so….

Tyler demands answers from Mason. Mason says it’s jiu jitsu, and Tyler says he saw Mason’s eyes. Mason says he saw nothing. This kid is going to be able to understand and handle the truth after all these lies? Bad choices, Mason.

Damon finds Caroline and offers to help her - by killing her. Caro begs, and Damon says he won’t do it, but he’s only stopped by Stefan. Damon keeps trying to kill her and almost stakes Elena, so he finally gives up and says that whatever happens, it’s Elena and Stefan’s fault.

Bonnie finds them and everybody has feelings right now, I understand that’s normal for some people, but can we all just go somewhere to talk and get the blood off Caroline’s face? (Nowhere else, mind, just her face, but still.)

Stefan does take her to a bathroom and he is very kind to her, calming her, showing her that his eyes are like hers, telling her she’ll be all right. Poor Caroline. Stefan promises her nothing will happen to her.

Damon has collected a shovel to bury Carter the Carny. Bonnie tries to kill him by aneurysming him, then making a… gasoline hose? that is just a green garden hose, hooked up to an outside tap on the school? anyway, she turns the gas on and then sets him on fire, but Elena cries about it so she puts him out again. I mean, Bonn did say she’d take revenge if anyone else got hurt, fair enough, but I’m really hung up on this gas hose that’s just a water hose. Honestly, no one could be bothered to put in any effort to make that look even vaguely - well, I mean, not believable, or anything, but she couldn’t have - I dunno, maybe magically siphoned gas from the flatbed truck that Caro killed Carny on? It was just SO OBVIOUSLY a water hose, I’m irritated.

Elena and Stefan debrief by saying exactly the same shit, except that Elena now thinks that it won’t end well for Caroline. Stefan says he’ll make sure it does.

Carol tells Mason she’s happy to have him around Tyler, and she’ll look for that ugly fuckin’ rock he’s after. Mason makes sure he and Tyler are “good”, and Tyler says they are, but how can you mistake that facial expression for anything but snide? Tyler’s not good with anything, and it’s all your own fault, Mason.

Tyler says goodnight and goes to his dad’s study, where there’s a safe under the floor. Bunches of documents, yadda yadda - A NEW STONE HAS ENTERED THE GAME! It is a moonstone, it is huge, and it is not in a necklace. Tyler takes it from its box and secretes it in a pocket.

Jeremy comes to the Salvatore house. He warns Damon away from drinking his scotch, because it’s laced with vervain, so Jeremy could stake him. But Jeremy has second thoughts. He’s trying to be against vampires, like his dad and grandfather, but what will killing Damon actually accomplish? Damon is glib about it, calling Jeremy a child, but obviously realizes (as he usually does) that it’s the wrong tone. He confesses that his dad hated vamps, too, but it was 1864 and people knew how to whittle. He holds up Jeremy’s sad-ass stake, and they laugh about it.

Matt slides into Caroline’s room through the window. Please don’t kill Matt, Caro. He says he’s in love with her, and afraid she doesn’t feel the same, and he can’t lose anyone else right now. So she kisses him, and breathes through the vampiness, and is relieved to find that she really can control it.

Stefan brings Elena to the carnival just before dawn, because he bribed the security guards to let him kiss his girlfriend at the top of the ferris wheel. Because he came back to this town to make a life with her, and they need to live it.

Nice sentiment. Too bad YOU’RE A VAMPIRE, CAUGHT IN VAMPIRE POLITICS. And also, you’re 150 years older than her, didn’t know who the fuck she was when you came back to town, etc, etc, etc. This is not a feel-good romance, y’all. This is vampire nonsense written for 14-year-old girls to self-insert. Blech.

Anyway, Elena says something about how it’s going to get worse or something, and Stefan agrees, and that’s all she wrote.

I know I was cranky this episode, I did like it, but you know how chronic pain goes. Some days you watch Bring It On high out of your gourd, some days you’re just cranky about bad writing. And I can’t stand Elena, I think we all know that. She’s the most boring character on this show, it’s ridiculous. MORE DAMON.

See y’all next week!