SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E4: Memory Lane

Sorry for disappearing, y’all. I know you know I LOVE the chronic, but I also HAVE the chronic - illnesses, that is. I know, they’re so hot right now.

And deeply boring, least interesting bit about me, really. I’m fine, I just had to rest for a bit, but I’m back, so let’s get started!

We open on the Lockwood Mansion, 1864.

And yes, it’s very bad, but in a more stylized way? Had that weird Tudors-as-teenagers show premiered yet? What was it, Reign? It has that sort of “historic-ish” feel to it, that purposeful fucking it up that reads better. Not great, IMO: you’re a vampire show, you decided to make these vampires old, you had to have seen it coming, and therefore should give us better costuming. But. This is the CW, or whatever, so you have to make allowances, I suppose. At least Katharine’s hair is, technically, up.

Katharine and Stefan are dancing, both extremely badly, while Katharine calls Stefan a better dancer than Damon. Like, I cannot stress enough how miserably she dances whatever this weird, made-up country dance is. No one could watch five minutes of Gone With The Wind? Also, this dress is just unbelievably hideous, I’mma see if I can get a screenshot.

Ugh, it’s so blurry, but like, this weird, diapery shawl thing she has clipped to her waist at the back is just so random, especially when you add the orangey-brown beads at her sleeves and the purple flower in the hair. Katharine, you are telegraphing your crazy.

Oh, this is a dream or something, because Olde Time Damon is hanging out with Elena, and Olde Time Stefan goes after them only to end up at The Grill seeing Damon and Elena together. But then Olde Time Katharine shows up at The Grill and tells Stefan they’ll be together again, she promises. Only that’s a threat, right? And then Stefan wakes up at his house with… Elena, I guess, but I’m never going to trust who I’m seeing.

Oh, and look at that, it’s Katharine. There’s some minor fighting, she yells at him because it was so easy to get into his head. She says that she could “rip [him] to shreds and do my nails at the same time” and, like, if that’s true? Do it. Fuckin’ do it. Whyyyyyyyy are you so obsessed with this TEENAGE BOY you met when you were already a grown adult like 10 times over. I need a motive here, people, and it absolutely cannot be “love”. I refuse. I cannot believe anyone would act this way for “love”.

Damon continues to be the best. He shows up at The Grill where Elena is studying. Yes, it’s Elena, she’s layering like it’s 2009 (because it is) and also Katharine’s hair is almost always bigger? Elena loves her flat iron, but Katharine’s lettin’ it floof. Big hair down, titties out!

ANYWAY. Small hair down, titties in, Elena gets up to leave because she thinks that Damon’s just here to hit on her. He is not. He’s here to let her in on why he gave Jenna the idea for a barbecue featuring Mason Lockwood: a social gathering is a perfect opportunity to get to know him. Since he and Jenna dated in high school, it makes sense she would invite him to a party.

Damon’s just at The Grill to pick up a peach cobbler, into which he is going to put silver, to out Mason as a werewolf.

At the Lockwoods’, Tyler wants to talk about lycanthropy. Mason tells him that he won’t turn into a wolf, because he won’t “trigger the curse”. Mason says Tyler’s dad didn’t know anything about it, and neither does Tyler, so it won’t happen. Also, he refuses to tell Tyler what the trigger is; he says he “can’t”, but whatever, this is nonsense levels of not telling people shit. Mason insists it’s better if Tyler doesn’t know. Tyler asks about the moonstone; Mason says it’s just sentimental, it was his mom’s, it has nothing to do with the curse.

Mason’s face during all of this? ONE EXPRESSION. This man is dumber than a post, but someone thought he was pretty, so here he is. Can’t call him a himbo, seems way too shady for that. I once had an acquaintance who hated Harrison Ford, called him “Seven-Face Ford” because he said he couldn’t act. I would love to show him One-Face Kinney over here. (Taylor Kinney is the actor.)

Stefan journals and just leaves it lying around, so Katharine can read it while she’s drinking “Damon’s private stock” of human blood. She mentions that werewolves must have been a surprise, and their bite can kill vampires. After all, the Lockwoods got all the vampires out of town, didn’t they? Yeah, boring werewolf/vampire rivalry for whatever reason. Why was this decided? Why did we not just let people write Underworld or whatever the first iteration of it was and then go on their merry way? This isn’t lore. This isn’t in the legends or the stories. There’s no reason for it - vampires will go to war with anyone, for any reason, at any time, they don’t need an enemy like that. It’s weird, and I hate it.

Now, were-ravens hanging out with werewolves because corvids and wolves often help each other hunt? COMING SOON (as soon as I get my ass back to writing novels, that is)!

Katharine brings up the Founders’ Ball of 1864, and we flashback. I think her corset is wrong, and that’s the main issue today - her tits are all jammed up like she’s wearing 18th-century stays, not a proper Victorian corset.

Damon toasts George Lockwood for “defending the South” and

Just - no. No one needed to “defend” owning other people. It wasn’t necessary. You could have just not been racist dickbags who thought OWNING HUMAN BEINGS was okay. Like, why. Why did you ever think it was good? Why would that have seemed okay to anyone at any point in history, exactly?

And I know Damon is supposed to be “evil”, or whatever, but this show is absolutely not ready to grapple with race relations in America at any point in time, but certainly not over the whole of the last 150, 200 years. My god, who greenlit this?

Also, it’s 1864. War’s not over, and even richie-riches like everyone in this town, apparently, weren’t getting champagne or metal for hoop skirts or enough food. Especially in the South - which Virginia was - because of blockades and shit. I’m just so annoyed with the history. You could have set it AT ANY TIME. 1866 would have been great - recovering from war, some people are getting all the shit they want again, people would start having parties - but no. We have to deal with people who slept through history class. Delightful.

ANYWAY. Some kid comes up to Katharine and says that the attack the other night wasn’t vampires. His name is Henry; I assume he’s dying soon, because we’ve never seen him before. (We also don’t see him again.) He says the people were torn apart in ways he’d never seen before, and Katharine starts worrying about an “investigation” from the Founders.

Weyoun loves an investigation

Henry says he’ll tell everyone they’re leaving immediately, but Katharine says that this is her home and the vampires are her family. She won’t let anything happen to them.

Bitch, you’ve been in town ten minutes. Sit down.

In the present, Katharine says that George Lockwood was a problem. The werewolf gene runs in the Lockwood family, but not all of them turn. And also, werewolves are practically extinct. Not much of a threat, in her opinion.

Then we’re back to their stupid relationship. Why did she come back? Why did Stefan? Just to fall in love with Katharine all over again.

Stefan gets all up in her bizniss, making like he wants to kiss her, like she’s so irresistible - AND THEN HE TRANQS HER.

Thank god. I hate this bitch more than Elena. Like, Elena’s just boring. Katharine is boring and irritating! Neither of these useless people should be the center of a television show, but I guess we need self-inserts at all times in teen vampire lit.

Stefan takes her down to the dungeon and locks her up and starts torturing her with vervain to get her plans out of her. Apparently you can just touch it to a vampire and they burn?! Insanity. All we get, though, is that Katharine told George she was a vampire and she knew he was a werewolf.

Cut to the barbecue!

Jenna’s annoyed Damon’s coming, but Jenna, you live with Elena. Don’t you want someone fun to come to your parties?

Mason is already there, with his one expression. Ric comes in, and then Damon with the cobbler, and Mason introduces himself to Damon. Says he’s heard good things about him, and Damon says, “That’s weird, because I’m a dick.”

Caro is combatting blood cravings by eating, so she’s shoving chips in her mouth as Elena calls Stefan to remind him about the party. Caro also lets it slip that Elena is a huge temptation for Stefan, and I’m sure nothing terrible will come of this. Elena definitely won’t bottle up all her feelings about it until it hits a crisis point, and Stefan definitely won’t think she’s upset about something else and also forego TALKING.

Is this a neurotypical thing? I had a NT boyfriend for a hot minute in the Before Times (tm), and he absolutely couldn’t stand having a discussion about our relationship. I thought he was just awful, but maybe I shouldn’t have blamed him. NTs have known communication deficits; it’s not their fault they never open their mouths and say exactly what they mean. I’ve heard they consider it a disability! (In case you’re new here: that is sarcasm, yes. They say autists have the deficits, but… I dunno, man, I’m the one who uses words. Correctly. So….)

Oh no, she broke up with Matt. I hate that for her.

Stefan says that he’s fine waiting for Katharine to desiccate, if she doesn’t want to talk. She says she’s been doing all the talking, and no? You said one thing. She asks if Stefan pretends to be human when he’s with Elena, is that the appeal? Stefan says he doesn’t have to pretend with her, that’s the point. Does Elena know Stefan still loves Katharine? He doesn’t. Oh, but he does, let me show you a flashback!

Again, no? Did he love you then? Maybe, but you apparently used compulsion on him, so neither of you will ever be sure that he actually felt it. But saying he’s still in love with you just because Elena looks like you - it’s dumb. You know it’s dumb. Plenty of people have “types” and almost never date anything else. It doesn’t mean they think their partners are all interchangeable.

Stefan says something about Katharine barely surviving Atlanta, and I have to ask: Why are you here, girl? Why be in war-torn parts of a war-torn country while the war is happening? You know who wasn’t in America in 1864? ALL OF MY VAMPIRES. They knew better. They didn’t want to get involved. They didn’t want to be inconvenienced. (They also don’t get weird hard-ons for teenagers, but I digress.) Fire is, in fact, deadly for you? Is it easy to eat on a battlefield? Probably, but not in those skirts, so I’m doubting that’s her motive. Maybe it was LOVE again!

Y’all, I have to stop ranting: we’re only 16 minutes in, and god knows how many words I’ve spilled just to complain. I won’t bother you about how bad Olde Time Stefan’s hair is, how’s that.

He says he’s in love with Katharine, and she puts him off with a “you don’t know about me” and he’s all, “yes I do” and it’s very ridiculous, and also Damon’s waiting in her room. Oh, but she sends him away, too, probably because human Damon is a gross racist who’s too into her.

Present Katharine says she never compelled his love, that it was real, and so was hers, and

At the barbecue, they’re playing Pictionary. Damon has drawn a dog in a tutu. Mason gets it: “Dances With Wolves”. (I should watch that soon, it’s been a hot minute. I got the VHS.) Apparently Mason has been winning non-stop, but is that just because you’ve been doing wolf puns, Damon?

In the kitchen, getting the pie that’s supposed to be cobbler but is clearly a pie served up, Damon notices the antique silver service on the counter. He pulls out a chef’s knife (cake knife, I guess, you can’t do anything else with silver) and he and Elena share a knowing look.

OMG, this episode is doing nothing else. We’re back in the dungeon. Yay.

Stefan and Katharine are arguing about when she compelled him and why. He says from the start; she says no, she only took away his fear when he learned what she was.

Meanwhile, George was using vampires to cover up his own kills, and then he and Katharine came up with the plan to kill all the vamps in the church. She tells him to make sure there are 27, and he tells her to crawl to a certain corner and he’ll be there to free her. (They are having this conversation outside, taking a walk, and guess what! HER HAIR IS UP! but those titties are still out, as are her arms.)

She tells him to make sure that everyone thinks she’s dead in the fire. Stefan can’t believe she’d sell out the other vamps, but Stefan, you’re a vampire. You spent almost an entire 24 hours telling us how horrible and evil and crafty vampires are. And now you’re surprised by this?

Damon offers Mason the big silver knife to cut the pie. He uses his fingers instead, trying to make it charming. If your face moved, it would help, Mason.

Ric asks why Mason never dated Jenna, and Jenna says Mason always had a harem, and Mason says Jenna was too stuck on Logan. Oh, poor Logan. I forgot about him.

Elena hasn’t heard from Stefan, and wants to ditch the BBQ and go see if he’s fine. Caroline looks panicked at being left, and offers to drive her. Probably because she worries about eating someone by accident again. Or - hmmm. Caro takes the cap off her tire valve as they’re leaving, ensuring a flat? Why?

Stefan’s trying to get at the motive for Katharine faking her death and doing all this intricate nonsense - could she not simply pack up and go? Did she not have any money or something? She won’t tell us; she gives us a very short recap of Damon and Stefan rescuing her and getting shot. Stefan yells that they died for nothing, then, and she says they died for love.

Mason confronts Damon in the kitchen. He says he’s not Damon’s enemy, and that he didn’t want to attack Stefan, but he didn’t have enough time to lock himself up. He has no interest in re-starting a rivalry that doesn’t have to have anything to do with them. He’s here for his family. He lost his brother; Tyler lost his dad; Carol lost her husband. It’s not appropriate for them to be sparring like this.

He leaves the kitchen; Damon takes the cake knife.

Caro is being kind of bitchy in the car. She wonders what the odds on a vampire/human relationship lasting are, and guesses probably nil. She says she’s just dealing with her own shit, and Elena turns up the radio and says she loves the song! And because late-stage capitalism is a hellscape, Caroline makes sure to show off the Shazam button on her steering wheel that tells her it’s a Goldfrappe song. Then the tire goes flat.

Mason tries to move the party to The Grill for more drinks, but Jenna and Ric demur. Damon heads out with Mason, probably to stab him or something.

Caroline and Elena are on the side of the road waiting for a tow, which I’m guessing Caro never called. It is full dark, of course, because even though they left the house at what looked like mid-afternoon in the summer (because they’re all short-sleeved and all, but who knows?!), we have to fuck with time to get them in danger or something. Caroline refuses to let Elena call Jenna or walk back to the house. Elena is annoyed, and Caroline’s entire thing seems to be that she doesn’t think Elena and Stefan will work, and she claims she’s being a good friend by pointing out that Stefan will never age, that Elena will never have his kids.

Elena decides to walk back. The tow truck shows up, and Caroline begs Elena not to leave her alone. But Elena goes anyway. Apologize to the tow guy, Elena. Caroline’s gonna eat him.

Damon straight-up just stabs Mason in the street, and then tries to search his car? But Mason recovers quickly, and says that he thinks werewolves must have started the silver myth. Damon looks absolutely enraged by this, but trying to keep it in? Or scared, but hiding it? I dunno, there’s some amazing eyeball acting happening here.

Katharine threatens Elena, and Stefan almost stakes her. Stefan, do everyone a favor, okay? She goes on to threaten to kill everyone Stefan loves and everyone Elena loves and blah blah blah, only to jump up out of the chair and confess she’s been microdosing vervain for 150 years so it won’t affect her.

Just then, they both hear Elena come in upstairs. Katharine stakes Stefan to the ground through his leg, and our two incredibly boring protagonists finally meet.

And nothing happens. Stefan comes right up, and Katharine exits stage left. Stage right, even!

OHHHHHHHHH, CAROLINE IS WORKING WITH KATHARINE.

Y’all, I forgot this entirely. No wonder Caro was being so weird. She knew Katharine was on the loose, bothering Stefan. Duh. Take a month off and totally forget everything that happened, I guess.

Katharine and Caro meet in the restroom at The Grill. Caro was supposed to keep Elena occupied. Katharine threatens to kill her again. All these threats, no follow-through. Makes even a mortal want to scoff.

Mason goes home to Tyler, still pissed at him for keeping secrets. Tyler offers the moonstone in return for the trigger to the curse. They yell and scuffle and ultimately, Mason tells him: You have to take a human life. Human blood is the trigger.

Elena and Stefan come into The Grill. Caro apologizes, but Elena says she was right, and it’s just hard for her to hear the truth. They make up.

I’m worried about Caroline, y’all.

Elena makes some snippy quip about Stefan spending all day “with his ex”, and I just want you to get your head out of your ass, Elena. She says she’s not afraid of Katharine, and that Katharine just wants to get between them. Stefan points out that she should be afraid, and Katharine’s already got them fighting, so what does that say?

Caro and Damon eavesdrop.

Damon leaves The Grill and runs right into Katharine. He dismisses her, but she follows, and he tells her he tried to kill a werewolf and failed. She says they’re hard to kill, but won’t provide any more details, and Damon successfully shakes her this time.

Stefan and Elena make up, even though I would never classify that as a fight, but okay. BUT! Turns out they staged it for Caroline, because they suspected she was working for Katharine. Well. Being threatened by Katharine. They know anything they say in front of her will go right back to Katharine.

Everyone, as they say, has spies.

They have to make it look real so Katharine thinks she’s getting what she wants, and they can force her to act, and then get rid of her.

Our last scene is a flashback, to George helping Katharine, and Katharine giving him the moonstone. George says they will keep each others’ secrets to the grave. Katharine goes back to tell an unconscious Stefan she loves him and they’ll be together again, and let’s end this episode as we’ve gone on: