I just... I don't think pregnancy and vampires should be anywhere near each other, ok? Not a huge fan of the weird Twilight baby, not hopeful that this episode won't squick me out, but let's get started!

Coreen needs an advance, and Vicki says she'd better return that new outfit instead. Coreen counters by asking for a raise. Vicki walks away.

PAY YOUR EMPLOYEES

A woman in a hot tub is doing birth affirmations while a man rubs her shoulders. He leaves, but then someone else's hands are there, releasing an inky substance into the water.

After the intro: A guy is in Vicki's office, telling her about how his wife's doctor told her to talk to the baby, that it would help the pregnancy. But after a while she would talk *with* the baby, not *to* it. And then she was hearing things. Marlisse, his wife, checked into the clinic full time, and he hasn't seen her in a month. He's convinced the doctor is running a cult of vulnerable pregnant women, and yeah, gonna go ahead and say

Ew.

He's been to a bunch of PIs and the police, all of whom have laughed him out of their offices except Vicki. He's convinced something is wrong with his baby, and he hasn't spoken with his wife since she went to the clinic. He just wants to know if they're safe.

Vicki takes the case, of course, and apparently our C plot today is Coreen being unable to live on the wages Vicki pays, so. I'll sum it up here with this:

PAY YOUR EMPLOYEES

Marlisse went through every intervention available to get pregnant in the first place, Vicki explains to Henry and Coreen over Chinese food. If Dr. Hobson's clinic is a cult, they'll need to move quickly, so Vicki needs help with the research. Coreen is off to interview the Deskins, who used Hobson to get pregnant and provided a testimonial. Vicki's off to find herself a "husband" to go undercover. Henry offers; she reminds him he's "not a morning person".

snort

She walks into the precinct and announces to Mike: " I want you to be my baby daddy." Kate spits out her coffee, Mike says he's flattered, and Vicki shows him Hobson's commercials.

Hobson combines "cutting edge technology with a holistic approach" and boasts a doubled success rate over other clinics. Vicki wants to get invited to stay on the baby ranch, so she has to forge some records and look exhausted and Mike needs to be her worried, supportive partner, Ricky. Who's Ricky? Why, of Ricky and Lucy, of course. Mike declines. Ike and Tina? George and Gracie? Moose and Squirrel?

Nope. Plain old Mike and Vicki.

She's in! It doesn't even take that much, honestly, they just tell him they've been trying for 5 years, since their honeymoon, and miscarriages, blah blah. Vicki will have to stay for at least a month, but they say they're okay with that. To which Hobson replies, laughing, "Let's have a baby!"

Mike and Vicki both think they got in too easy, so Mike's first order of business - after he fills a cup with his "swimmers", that is - will be doing a more thorough background check. Then they have to put on a show of saying goodbye, and they get a liiiiiittle too into the kissing.

Henry and Coreen head off to the Deskins'. Henry seems to get bad vibes from the sidewalk, but they go in anyway. Mr. Deskins says he's surprised the testimonial is still up, it's been so long. But without Hobson, they - he corrects himself, HE wouldn't have had Travis. Mrs. Deskins is dead: fell off a ladder a few years ago.

Hobson's process feels strange when you're going through it, he says, but you can't argue with the results. Henry says their client called it cultish, and keeps looking at a pic of Travis on the mantle. Deskins can see that, but he got a kid out of it, and of course he's not in a tv show, he doesn't know that his wife's death was weird.

Travis, who looks to be maybe 10, tops, but probably closer to 7 or 8, comes through the door at this point. Did his friend's dad walk him home? He shakes his head, stares at Henry - who sniffs him back - and then runs upstairs without a word.

So my bet is demon babies.

but, like, more!

Oh, no, wait: in the street, Coreen asks what lit a fire under Henry's ass to leave so fast. Henry says there was blood on the kid - blood that wasn't his.

Vicki's welcomed warmly by a lady on the ward. she gives her whole name, and I'm beginning to wonder if this is a Canadian thing. I don't know about y'all, but most of the time I introduce myself, I only give a first name. No one needs to be googling me because we chatted in an elevator or something.

Lady talks about all the hydrotherapy and green juice smoothies and shit, and how Hobson is so amazing, and Vicki murmurs agreement. Vicki looks around, doesn't see Marlisse, and asks if that's everyone. Turns out, the "Alpha Mommies", the high risk pregnancies, are in another ward, no real contact. "No visitors?" Vicki says, and Lady says they visit, sometimes, but only if they bring "loving energy".

Coreen and Vicki have a phone call to catch the other up. Coreen says the blood on Travis was animal; a lot of pets are missing in the neighborhood. Vicki tells her and Henry to find more couples who used the clinic, and to check out those kids, too. I'm guessing we're gonna find more dead moms.

Mike talks to someone who used to work with Hobson. She says he's a good doctor, and his results are legitimately double. He went to Austria to study new IVF techniques about 10 years ago, came home all woo-woo holistic. She says that's not concerning in and of itself, but Hobson doesn't specify his techniques, hasn't published, so who knows what's really going on? She calls the mothers "guinea pigs", but, like, he's clearly knocking them up with his demon seed. These women are being assaulted.

I didn't like writing "demon seed" anymore than you liked reading it

During Vicki's physical (which is just her drinking a smoothie), she asks the nurse? clinician? if anything goes wrong with the babies. He tells her to relax. The smoothie is to improve the uterine lining, and she'll get plenty of rest and relaxation, and her baby will be fine. Everything is based on research, and Hobson knows what he's doing - down to choosing the method of insemination for every patient. And hey, "you can't argue with the results!"

That's beginning to sound like some kind of spell, honestly. Literally everyone involved with the clinic has said that exact phrase. Creepy.

Vicki finds Marlisse, who is on bedrest at 36 weeks (human pregnancies are full term at 38). She says she's never felt better, and that Vicki will get used to the smoothies, even if not the weird dreams that Hobson says are a standard side effect. I mean, yeah, you have weird dreams while you're preggo, smoothies or no. I wanted her to describe them, but she moves on to asking about the outside world and telling Vicki that her husband (Mitch!) was ruining her positive aura with his negativity. He just doesn't understand what this means for them, you see.

And then changes subject again: what's Vicki's story? She gives a line about waiting too long to start trying, and then says she wanted to meet Marlisse specifically, because no one else will tell her what the complete treatment is. Will her baby be healthy? Marlisse says of course! Just feel! and Vicki watches as her weird demon baby with a tail?!? pushes up against Marlisse's stomach.

I knew it was gonna be icky

Vicki confesses that she was hired by Mitch. Marlisse is falling asleep, but Vicki tells her to be vigilant. Hobson comes to usher Vicki out, and it seems he didn't hear any of her PI stuff.

Coreen finds another testimonial family and goes to see them. Lost pet posters all over the neighborhood, and as she climbs the steps to ring the bell, an 8 to 10 year old kid pushes past her. She says hi, he turns -

And it's the same fuckin kid!

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect

demon seed! demon seed!

Lady who welcomed Vicki is pregnant! She says Vicki's next because Jonah - the clinician/nurse guy - likes her. And Jonah has a special sense for who gets pregnant. Is Jonah the demon?!?!?!

Coreen and Henry go back to see Mr. Deskins. Henry asks where Travis is, and Deskins says upstairs, doing homework. Coreen asks if Deskins ever heard any stories about the other kids born through the clinic as Travis sneaks out - and Henry follows.

Deskins says just the usual, kids who aren't really yours, you put it out of your mind. But they did get a photo from one of the other families who had a kid around the same time they did - and it is, of course, the same kid.

Mike comes to visit Vicki, and they bring each other up to speed. Vicki tells him about Marlisse's baby pressing against her skin and says she hope babies don't do that and, uh, hate to tell you, Vick, there's only so much room in there. Usually it's not a whole baby and tail, it's just hands and feet, but yes. You can see baby parts pressing against your belly. I thought it was one of the few perks of pregnancy, frankly.

She asks Mike to test the smoothies. Mike thinks she should leave, and not ingest anymore, but she's gonna solve this first. More kissing.

Mr. Deskins says that Travis was a normal kid, but then after his mother died, he seemed not quite human. Meanwhile, Travis is luring another kid into the woods, because "we're adventurers". Travis tells him to wear a blindfold, and he's gonna stab him, but of course Henry intervenes. He hypnotizes the kid to never play with Travis again. Kid runs away home, and now it's Travis's turn.

Henry tells him not to hurt other people, but Travis says "he wants me to. He tells me to!" Henry tells him he will not hurt people or animals, and Travis seems under control. Coreen and Henry catch up: she thinks Travis killed his mom, and Henry knows there's a deep, deep evil inside him that won't be held at bay for long.

Vicki gets caught looking in on a hydrotherapy affirmation session between Jonah and a patient. Hobson is furious, but fobbed off with an "I couldn't sleep" and "I wanna know what the program is" - but he suggests Vicki should leave. She promises to trust the program more, and Hobson says that's good, but he and Jonah share a look after she goes back to her room.

Coreen has a theory about changelings, but that's just autistic people, Coreen. Henry asks if Vicki wants kids, and Coreen replies that "older women are always going on about their biological clocks." Gross, Coreen.

misogyny is gross, Coreen

There's a Germanic myth about dark elves who get human women pregnant, and there ya go. Schwarzalf, straight from Austria, courtesy of Jonah, no doubt. Vicki figures it out, too, by going through files. She sends a fax and seems to get away clean.

Mohadevan has tested the smoothies: Vicki's is just fertility herbs, and Marlisse's is to make someone happy and compliant. Mike calls Vicki to let her know; she makes Marlisse promise not to drink any more because it's bad for the baby.

Vicki faxed Mike; Kate takes it out of the machine and it's in code, advising Mike to check out Jonah.

Marlisse sees the weird baby tail, goes to Vicki for help. Vicki's gonna break her out, but Jonah foils her and tells her to relax and accept his help later tonight. He locks her in her room.

Coreen brings Mike up to speed about the Schwarzalf in a scene that's entirely too long, but the upshot of which is that yes, Jonah is the elf.

Henry comes to spring Vicki; Jonah pops his head in long enough to tell her that Marlisse is in labor, so Jonah will have to wait on assaulting Vicki. Henry brings Vick up to speed about Jonah being the elf and that iron will kill him. Vicki says they should end this now and a hallway fills with smoke for some reason?

ned flanders, fry, and other memes looking suspicious

sure, Jan

Marlisse has her baby and wants her husband. The baby seems fine.

In the mist hallway, Mike shows up and hits a creature - I assume the elf/Jonah - with a tire iron, and then the creature and the mist are just gone. I - you know what? I've run out of gifs. Just... imagine my dumb face all scrunched up, because why the fuck is this show always so bad in the last 10 minutes? Did everyone get tired? Did the network want "more action" or something? Why is it always a decent 20 minutes and then utter shit?

Jonah insists on holding Marlisse's baby, and he turns into the elf. Henry saves the baby, Mike kills the elf, there's gonna be some weird police interviews for this one. Henry says Marlisse's baby still has darkness, but obviously no connection to the elf anymore.

And that's the end, because of course we just trail off. And I knew this one was gonna be gross, but honestly, not as bad as I thought! This was actually a really engaging episode for me, until the end. None of the conflict was forced, everything made sense until the end. All in all, I'd give it 8/10. Solid B.

see you next week!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E11: Post Partum

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E12: Norman

SGRoA: Blood Ties S1 E10: Necrodrome