SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E5: You're Undead to Me

Goob morning! No, wait, afternoon, but since my day is just getting started, goob morning! Let's see if VD (hee hee, I'm 12) can keep its winning streak going!

Ooh, we have a new exterior shot of the Salvatore home, so the inside matches the outside now, good job! We open on Damon in the dungeon (well, in the basement, but vampires!), so my hopes are sky-high that we get more events that happen because of events before them, instead of the first three episodes' meandering nonsense. Maybe if it takes 3 television hours for your writers to figure out what they're doing, you should not make those first three scripts? Call me crazy....

Anyway, Damon in the dungeon. Three days since the party, and Stefan is going on about how vampires used to be reeducated when they were a danger to the community. Yeah, right, sounds very fangy to me, not like human life has always been cheap or like vampires have always been a little more violent than anyone wished. Reeducation. Okay, why not.

Within a week without blood, Damon will be a mummy, unable to hurt anyone. "So you're just gonna leave me in the basement?" No: when his circulation stops (do they have circulation?!), Stefan will move him to the family crypt, and reevaluate in 50 years. Jesus, this is fuckin brutal, first of all, and I'm the one who invented gross new things made of wood to silence vampires. Second of all, tho, I don't think it's going to work, and not only because Stefan told Damon the whole plan like a Bond villain, but that has to be part of it.

Third of all, I was going to get into a lore discussion, but y'know what? I've decided not to care. I will take what this show gives me for lore and I will not argue. I'm trying to enjoy this show on its own terms. I mean, I love a soap opera, too - I've watched both iterations of Dark Shadows! - I just... this show makes it hard to like it, let's be honest. But I'm trying!

Elena wakes up and finds Vicki in the bathroom. Go Jeremy, maybe? Jenna knows Vicki is there, but does think Jeremy could try to be crafty about it, but it's fine. Also, she won't be home for dinner because she has a date with Logan. How's Elena's love life? Cryptic, as usual, and though Elena appears to be over it, we all know you don't get 8 seasons of soap shenanigans out of permanently breaking up.

Stefan lets Uncle Zack know that Damon is in the basement. Zack is surprised Stefan's going to school, just like I have been this entire time, but Zack's objection seems to be just for the day.

Bonnie and Caroline are talking in Caroline's room before school. Look, I don't know about y'all, but I'm autistic and school was exhausting. I rolled out of bed 10 minutes before my ride showed up and I certainly wasn't having all these early-morning convos. These are the least teenaged teenagers ever - and I'm not even talking about the vamps!

pictured: all my scenes before 10 am

Anyway, Caro says she can't remember what happened at the party, maybe she let Damon bite her? But she's having a lot of memory problems lately, so who knows? Bonnie asks about the crystal, which is now on a whole-ass gold chain, so again, it's a jewel, but whatever. Caro says Damon gave it to her - or was going to give it to her, it doesn't matter, it's hers now. Bonnie says it's ugly, and they head to school.

Where Bonnie is hanging around Elena to talk some more before class. (I made it with about 2 minutes to get to my locker and roll up to my first class, but sure, we're all dressed hours before our day starts in TV High School Land!) Elena is amazed that Caroline is acting like nothing happened (srsly) and Bonnie says Caro is in denial. And then Bonnie says goodbye, because Stefan is here. We're inching back to "3 lines and we're done" territory, hate to say it. Also hate that every episode seems to start with morning of a school day and end at bedtime (sometimes of another day, hard to tell). Like, it would make sense if these kids weren't written to be 27 in all their other interactions.

only one allowed to be the world's oldest teenager

Elena is ... mad? that Stefan didn't call her for four days? because he was dealing with Damon, which he ... called and told her about? And Stefan says she's right to be angry with him?

I have no idea what's going on here. She told Jenna she didn't like the secrecy, so what's with her now being pissed about the length of time? Is it not done to go four days without a call? I'm from the 90s, y'all, what is this interaction about?!?!?!

They make plans to meet at The Restaurant, which is apparently called The Grill, so I wasn't far off, after school. Caro comes up to ask where Damon is, and Stefan tells her he's gone. Permanently. Elena reminds a close-to-tears Caro that this is a good thing.

Oh my God, we don't have to sit through any of the school day, thank Jeebus. Stefan hasn't shown up to the grill, so Elena plays pool with Matt. Meanwhile, Zack tells Damon that he's the reason Zack forwent a human family and that he resents Damon for his very existence. Damon tries to strangle him through the bars on the door in the definitely not a dungeon basement, and Stefan comes home just in time to stop him. Yawn. Not that getting some character stuff from Zack isn't good, it totally would be, but this scene has been in everything.

Elena and Matt discuss Jeremy and Vicki. Stefan's an hour late. Matt encourages Elena to spill her problems, and she talks about Stefan's secrecy again. Matt says he thinks Stefan's probably okay, but Elena needs to talk to him. Stefan shows up and is cagey about why he's late, and they start fighting, but are interrupted by an older man saying he recognizes Stefan. Stefan hasn't aged a day! Elena and Stefan leave the man staring after them - and of course, when Elena wonders what that was about, Stefan gets evasive.

Logan joins the sheriff at the grill. She says they've checked all the habitats on the other side of the lake and every vacant building in town, but they can't find the vampires. Logan offers that it must be a private residence they're after, then, and no one has a mole in the high school? No one mentioned two men in their thirties at least signing up for classes? Joining the football team? Damon and Stefan haven't exactly been on the down-low, my god. Everyone in this town is missing half a brain or something.

They still don't have the pocket watch; Sheriff says it's passed down through the male line, so Logan should start with Jeremy to find it. So the Sheriff has a whole brain. Dammit. That feels so wrong.

Jenna shows up for their date, cutting off the vampire chat.

At home, Elena tells Jeremy she's "miserable", so he tells her to go eat something. Of course, because this is not just written about teen girls, but also apparently by them, Stefan is in the kitchen, making chicken parm and calling the cheese "mootsarell" like he's from Long Island circa 1990. Like. If I were 16, I would definitely think that finding my crush in my kitchen would be romantic, but I also wouldn't have put it in a story because unless you get rid of all adults all the time, 16-year-olds do not make each other dinner in each other's kitchens. Not even adults do this shit, even when it would be achievable and romantic. Mash them Barbies together, girls!

He's making her dinner so he can talk to her, to tell her everything, so if she breaks up with him, at least she'll really know whom she's dumping. So he starts talking about Catherine, but it's all surface shit and absolutely nothing about her effect on him, which is what I would want to know. Who gives a shit about Catherine's olive skin or selfishness? What did it mean TO YOU, Stefan? How did she change YOU? Who are YOU?!

Vicki, meanwhile, has found Elena's leftover painkillers from the car accident over a year ago. Opiates just make me barf, so this would be wasted on me, but she's excited to get fucked up. Jeremy objects to being high all the time, and Vicki warns him not to try to change her just because they're together.

Stefan has moved on to books and sitcoms. And music, which he says he loves all of, then mentions a bunch of 70s artists and that he liked "that one Miley song".

captain kathryn janeway, rolling her eyes

Elena cuts her finger chopping garlic and Stefan freaks out a little cuz he gets her blood on him and he vamps out a little and she notices but of course he regains control, she calls it a hallucination, and they kiss.

Caroline is firming up plans for the next day's bikini carwash when Damon starts pulling on their psychic bond. The corvid shows up and she shoos it away - or tries, at least.

Stefan comes home and interrupts so they can have two sentences together that cover everything we already know. *sigh*

Bikini carwash is gross. The guys are also washing cars, but they all have shirts on, so. Some girl is mean about someone's car so Bonnie uses her witch telekinesis to... get water on her.

Look at that. Twice in one ep.

Banter banter banter. Elena says Stefan should take off his ring to protect the stone, which he says is "lapis LATSuli" and, uh, no, it's LAZ-oo-lie, but whatever. Logan reminds Jenna of making out in the school parking lot, and Elena runs into the guy who recognized Stefan from years ago, when his uncle Jonathan was mauled in the woods by an animal. The older Stefan also had a brother Damon and they look the same, and had the same ring, and it was in June of 1953.

And that's why you don't live with humans if you're trying to be secret, duh.

Damon keeps trying to call Caroline throughout.

Elena goes right to Stefan to ask more questions about his family.

Vicki takes Jeremy to hang with her friends at the cemetery and get high. I love this. I usually get high and then go to the cemetery because it's the only halfway quiet place around to take a walk, but it would be nice with friends, too!

Elena asks Logan to look up stories from the 50s "for a report", and it gets him another dinner date with Jenna to help Elena out.

Caroline is finally compelled to help Damon. Who is very sweaty, despite undergoing mummification? Like, I just have really dry skin, and even when I run a fever or something, I just don't sweat that much. Weird.

Anyway, she opens the door, Zack tries to stop her, but no dice. Damon breaks his neck and runs after Caroline, but she escapes the house after he's trapped in a beam of sunlight.

Bonnie lights bitchy girl's car on fire, I assume, but Stefan diverts her attention and the fire goes out. She hopes no one saw, and while I would think that even a short-lived to the point of being momentary car fire would attract some notice, this town is full of half-brains, so nope. No one saw you being a witch, Bonnie, feel free to continue!

Oh, but it was a big enough fire for someone to call Logan about it. Again, I'm assuming, since that's usually how narrative works, but who knows? He lets Elena have access to the digitized files at the station so she can figure out Stefan's a vampire and runs off.

Jeremy gets mad at Vicki for taking the painkillers from the house, because Elena will notice if they're gone. Except they're a year old and she isn't using them. I wouldn't notice that, and I notice car fires, tell you what. Her friends hate him. They have a fight. Honestly, these two would be more interesting than anyone else, except that I've seen this rich kid/poor kid small town dynamic eleventy billion times already.

Matt tells Stefan to be honest with Elena.

Elena finds the story she's looking for, which was clearly filmed yesterday and had filters put on it to make it look old-timey. It doesn't work, this is an extremely bad prop. But Stefan's there in the background, haunting the door to his house.

Sheriff asks Caroline what's wrong, if it's boy troubles. Caro says if she wants to talk boys, she'll call her father, who is successfully dating one.

I just love Caroline, Caroline's my favorite

Stefan goes home and finds a dead corvid, a dead Zack, an empty dungeon.

Elena starts voice-overing about how there's not supposed to be weird shit in the world, and, girl.

Data the android laughing on the bridge of the Enterprise-D

the world is nothing BUT weirdness

Bonnie shows up at her grandma's house, talking about how she doesn't know what's happening to her.

Light shines through Caroline's crystal and makes a star pattern.

Logan looks for the pocket watch and gets almost caught by Jeremy.

Elena puts together the vampire clues, both in her mirror and in voiceover.

Damon finds the loser cemetery party and eats Vicki.

Stefan prepares to kill Damon, and is interrupted by Elena at the door: "What are you?"

Aside from the last 15 minutes or so being exhausting, this wasn't a terrible episode. Not as good as the last one, but they're definitely trying harder. Until next time!