A beauty pageant? Oh, fuck, I’m so hype for this, y’all have no idea. This is gonna be a shitshow!

Stefan’s back at school! Driving a sports car, getting all the girls all a-giggle. He tells Elena he’s all over those pesky blood cravings, and we all know that’s a lie. He’s too cool, acting too much like Damon. He tells her he’ll catch her up, then goes into the trunk for his bookbag - taking it from its nest in the middle of a bunch of blood bags.

Cut to Damon and the Sheriff: A blood bank’s been burgled. (ooh, look at all those Bs!) The records had been altered, but the night guy didn’t remember doing it. They’ve increased security at the hospital and are giving all the guards vervain. Uncle John suggests that he and Damon team up to find the vampire(s) responsible, and Damon of course has to say yes. I hope he figures out Uncle John’s plans soon. I mean, yeah, obviously John wants the town to know about Stefan and Damon, but like, beyond that? and also Stefan and Damon aren’t terribly keen on all the other vampires out committing vampirey crimes, they’re actually, like, upstanding citizens? They deserve to be on the Founders’ Council, actually.

And speaking of the Founders, Alaric has had his curriculum overridden by the Council so he can give a lesson in local history, since Founders’ Day is COMING UP.

Bonnie comes in slightly late, and I guess she’s been gone? There’s some sort of weird look game going on between her, Elena, and Stefan as she sits down, but I can’t parse that, come on. Give an autist a fuckin break!!!

Anna comes by Damon’s to chat on behalf of Pearl. They’re sorry about the other vamps going after Stefan, and Pearl is dealing with trying to stop them from couping her. Damon says they should have known better, what did they think those vampires would be like? And also, stop stealing from the blood banks! We’re gonna get in trouble!

But Anna says she hasn’t been to the blood bank in… a while (like their concepts of time have any meaning in this world), and the other vamps have cleared out. It’s just her and Pearl. And the gears start turning in Damon’s head, so he should have figured out that Stefan’s drinking blood in about ten minutes. Thank god for Damon.

Elena catches Bonnie after school. She tried to talk to her after class, but Bonnie booked it, apparently. I think she has a haircut? She’s pretty short with Elena, who tried to call her a bunch, and says she shouldn’t know about the raveyard spell not working, for some reason? Did they agree that Bonnie wasn’t going to be involved or something, and I’m forgetting it? Meh. Anyway, Bonnie eagerly accepts Caroline’s hug. Caroline says she missed Bonnie so much, even though they talked every day, it wasn’t the same!

Elena is confused, because she thought she and Bonn were besties, but you can’t continually put your bestie in danger, girl! I would also want to distance myself from your weirdness, though even teen me would have realized that a witch can’t just exempt herself from magical issues. Caroline tells Bonnie that Bonn has to help her choose the perfect dress for the Founders’ Court!

Elena is again confused, because apparently they signed up for this nonsense before Elena’s mom died. Over a year ago? Maybe? In any case, she was picked for the Court, but I think she says she doesn’t want to do it, because of her mom? The literal dialogue:

Caroline: “So, are you dropping out then?”

Elena: “I can’t.”

Bonnie: “Her mom is the one who wanted her to enter.”

So - Elena “can’t” be in the pageant, or “can’t” drop out? Because Caroline said “are you dropping out” and she said, “I can’t” and like - that would mean “I can’t DROP OUT” not “I can’t do the pageant”.

So Elena may or may not be in the Miss Mystic Falls contest. Good job, writers. Excellent work, as usual.

Damon is lying in wait for Stefan to get home from school. Stefan immediately denies being on blood. Damon calls him out on the lie, but Stefan is gaslighting himself super hard at this point. He won’t admit shit to you, Damon. Try again later.

Elena calls Stefan to bring him up to speed - She IS doing the pageant! She needs him to escort her. He gets off the phone, checks his bottom file cabinet drawer for blood, then heads downstairs to the hidden basement chest freezer full of bags from the hospital. Of course, Damon is also lying in wait downstairs, and calls Stefan a liar and a thief.

Stefan tries to argue he has it under control, that Damon shouldn’t care after shoving it on him all these years. Damon points out that he STOLE from a HOSPITAL. Like, y’all are rich, aren’t you? You couldn’t buy a blood bank for your own purposes? Stefan tries to dodge: “Have my actions negatively impacted you?” Yes, bitch, THE ENTIRE COUNCIL IS AFTER VAMPIRES.

Stefan doesn’t have an ounce of self-preservation in that body. Has Damon kept him alive for the last century-and-a-half?

Damon asks what Elena thinks, and Stefan says she doesn’t need to know. Damon says she absolutely does, Stefan’s been a teetotaler for basically his entire life, he won’t be able to control himself, and frankly, just being back on the real stuff presents some behavioral issues. Don’t get fed fast enough? You might just “snap”. Damon doesn’t need to worry about Stefan snapping, not now. Stefan again insists he’s fine, and Damon needs to back off. I hope Damon goes right to Elena.

Miss Mystic Falls includes an interview process. A tribunal including Mrs. Mayor and two ladies I don’t know yet. The Queen this year has the special honor of “taking center stage at the 150th Founders’ Day Gala.”

Caroline sounds great, a lot of volunteer work. Elena is making apologies: she hasn’t been as involved this year. Some other girl thinks she could win two years in a row, and I - I’m so tired of time. Some other girl says it’s an honor to be nominated, since she’s not from a founding family. They’re all intercut with each other, which is a nice little editing trick. Good way to tell the story. Elena finishes up by talking about how important this would have been to her mother. Dead mom, gonna be hard to beat, Caro, but I’m rooting for you. Or maybe the girl who said that just because she got a DUI and had to do community service, didn’t mean she wasn’t committed. That’s ballsy.

Uncle John is annoyed that Damon hasn’t been taking his calls. Damon says that’s a hint, John definitely didn’t need to stop by! I’ll spare you the banter. What it comes down to is that the OG John Gilbert invented something that one of the raveyard vamps stole. He won’t say what, but since the raveyard vamps didn’t die, the invention is now retrievable. So he wants to hunt vampires for the Council - that is, he wants to find the particular vampire who stole from his family and serve that one up to the Council, once he gets the invention back for himself and for Isobel.

I love a Bond villain. Monologue for me!

If Damon wants his secrets kept, he’ll help John. Damon asks how he can know who has some mystery item, and John says the guy who took it hung out with Pearl, and Damon tells John to GTFO. He was only entertaining any of this because he thought John or Isobel would lead him to Katharine, but no. Katharine and Pearl were close, but John seems not to know that? Katharine probably has his device, whatever it is. John threatens to tell the Council that Damon is a vampire. Damon tells him to go ahead: he’ll kill the Council, sever John’s hand, take his ring, and kill him, too. Don’t threaten Damon with a good time.

The Misses Mystic Falls are learning to dance some sort of non-touching minuet to a Strauss waltz? Ok, sure. Caroline brought Bonnie to fill in for Matt, even though this is the end of the rehearsal? Ok, sure. Bonnie’s mad at everyone, including Caroline, but she’s nicer to Caro. Elena pulls her aside and asks WTF is going on, so at least I’m not alone in this. Oh, she thinks Gram died for nothing, because the raveyard vamps are out, and she blames Stefan. And Damon, but mostly Stefan. She doesn’t want to put Elena in the middle, but she has to step back, because Elena’s involved with them.

Stefan eavesdrops, obviously, and then heads out to the parking lot, where some kid has a skinned and bleeding knee. Stefan gets fixated, Alaric comes up to him, Stefan almost chokes him out because BLOOD, apparently. Ok, sure.

Alaric shows up at Elena’s, because he’s driving them. Where? I mean, I assume to the ball (this is the ball, right, not the festival or the bonfire or the party or the dance or the commemorative bowling tournament or something?), but no one ever says, and god only knows what day or time of day this is. Anyway, John’s annoyed because he thought he was driving, but Jenna’s all, “Nope, bitch, you can drag Jeremy’s ass if he feels like showing up this episode,” and she and Elena go with Ric.

Anna shows up to the ball, in bright fucking sunlight. Her hair is terrible, all slugs, like you don’t own a comb, girl? Damon tells her about John and the invention, and she says she can ask her mom, but why should she bother, Damon doesn’t give a shit about them. He tells her that John Gilbert is hunting vamps, and Damon would much rather she stay in town than John. So think about it.

Jenna and Elena reminisce about Elena’s mom while doing Elena’s hair.

Jeremy complains to John that there’s a WHOLE MONTH of Founders’ Day activities that he has to show up for.

Jeremy’s hair looks dyed darker than it was. Weird. They chat about the OG John’s journal, and John 2 tells Jeremy there’s more. Jeremy’s looking for vampire confirmation, but John won’t give it. Jeremy sees Anna and follows her into the house, excusing himself.

Elena goes to get dressed and Damon pops into the dressing room. He tells her about Stefan’s new habit and warns her that with the Council breathing down everyone’s necks, Stefan cannot be unpredictable. He doesn’t have any sort of solution for this problem, at least not yet, but telling Elena was the right way to go.

Anna doesn’t want to talk to Jeremy. She yells at him for using her to become a vamp for someone else, so he yells back at her for using him to feed her mom. She asks how he knows that, and he says he knows “everything.”

Stefan comes into the dressing room just as Elena says she fed Stefan in the first place. He asks WTF is going on, and Damon says he’s filling Elena in, then leaves so they can fight. He was gonna tell her! He’s fine! Nothing is wrong! If Elena wasn’t such a bitch about it, he totes would have told her! It’s her fault he kept a secret! Not the blood! HE’S FINE!

Mrs. Mayor comes to get Elena for the “lineup”, and sends Stefan downstairs. He goes, but as soon as he gets alone in a room, he freaks out and vamps out and the “not from a founding family” girl - who had to go outside for a panic attack and also isn’t dressed - walks in on him. Chomp? Have to wait out the commercial to see!

We are 25 minutes in! The ball is in full swing, and our Founders’ Court is assembling down the grand staircase. Such flair! Such elegance! Such…

Amber is the maybe-chompee, and Mrs. Mayor is looking for her as the girls start down the stairs. Caro and Elena are last, of course. Stefan isn’t downstairs, because he’s gone rogue, but neither is Matt - he couldn’t get off work. Poor Caro.

Elena says she’s dropping out, she has to go find Stefan, she isn’t this person anymore. Caroline says she had her chance to drop out, and even though Caroline has no chance to beat her, Elena has to do the contest. For her mom. Aw. Caroline’s so sweet.

Anna and Jeremy are finally confessing some feelings. Jeremy knows now that Vicki wanted to hurt him, and he hates remembering her that way, but obviously it wasn’t a relationship at the end. Anna says that she was just going to use him to get to her mom, but she knows him now, she won’t let anything happen to him.

Uncle John hears every word of this.

Stefan has taken Amber to the parking lot. He mojos her and then starts just spewing words all over her - about Elena knowing and being on “the human stuff”. She says he looks sad; he screams that he’s hungry, not sad!

Elena comes down the stairs and is announced to be escorted by Stefan, who of course is nowhere to be seen, so Damon steps in. Aw. Damon’s sweet, too, in his own way. And the chemistry in this dance is off the charts (all on Damon’s side, Elena has as much charisma as a wet toothpick). Ooh, I hope she cheats on Stefan with Damon. I love a good soap opera triangle storyline!

In the parking lot, Stefan is still freaking out. Again, this is very boring. It’s the same stupid shit we’ve seen from most of the vampires on television at this point. I did perk up when he said that feeding doesn’t have to be messy, though! “You don’t have to waste a drop.” That’s what I’ve been saying for years!!!

Amber is still in some sort of mojo-daze fugue state, and she asks why he isn’t killing her if he wants to. He says that if he gives in that far, there won’t be any going back. And also, YOU CAN’T KILL A GIRL EVERYONE IS LOOKING FOR IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE PLACE THEY’RE LOOKING.

But he chomps her anyway.

CAROLINE WINS!!!!!!!

Sheriff and John are checking out the room where Stefan grabbed Amber - he broke a mirror, there’s blood, Sheriff calls for Damon.

In the parking lot, it’s suddenly nighttime - like, full dark - and Stefan has disengaged from the chomp and asks Amber why she isn’t afraid. Because he told her not to be, duh. So he tells her to be afraid, and to run, so he won’t eat her, even though he chases her.

Damon catches Elena up to speed on what he knows: blood on the mirror, Amber missing. Bonnie overhears. Damon and Elena go to find Stefan and Damon follows.

Stefan catches up to Amber for just long enough to get covered in blood before the others find him. Damon starts to fight him, Elena pleads, but Bonnie does something to his brain. He’s doubled over, ears ringing for what seems an eternity and then - shame, guilt, running away. Still covered in blood.

Sheriff finds them all. The official story is that Elena and Bonnie found Amber, then called Damon, then Damon called Sheriff. She sends Bonn and Elena away, then makes sure with Damon that the girls “didn’t see the bite mark”. Damn, errybody lyin’ up in here. Seems like it would be easier on everyone to just… tell their kids what the family business is?

Elena wants Bonnie to stop and talk to her about what happened. Bonnie refuses. She tells Elena that she chooses when and where she’ll involve herself in this vampire business, but she owes nothing to Elena, and she doesn’t have to ever talk about it. IF she ever decides to, she knows where to find Elena.

The ball is winding down. John asks Jenna who Anna is, and Jenna tells him her mother’s name is Pearl and he’s preventing them from buying (back) his building. John’s eyebrows make a break for the ISS, and he says he already knows all about them.

Alaric runs into Elena on the front steps; he immediately asks what’s wrong, and she shrugs.

Damon returns home to Anna and Pearl on his doorstep, offering a truce of sorts. Pearl admits she took the invention from OG John, and hands something to Damon. He asks what it is - it looks like a pocket watch - and she talks about the compass, which was a watch. But that's not what she stole. She has no idea what she took, but it’s not a watch and it’s not the compass, which she was trying to steal. She wants him to consider that an apology.

Elena shows up in Stefan’s room to fight about blood.

She insists it “wasn’t him” and he says it is, yadda yadda, yelling and tears, and then SHE TRANQS HIM.

Damon comes up the stairs and asks if she really wants to do this, and she says yes. So they put Stefan in chains in the dungeon! Damon says it might not work, but Elena says it has to - and she stays downstairs with Stefan, just out of reach. And Damon stays with her.

OMG. Y’all. What a rollercoaster of an episode! SO! MUCH! HAPPENING! An unbelievable amount of plot movement, but with only 3 more in the season, I guess they didn’t have any more time to dilly dally in plotless meadows of bad dialogue. See you next week!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E19: Miss Mystic Falls

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S01 E20: Blood Brothers

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E18: Under Control