Do you think it’s also the last chance… for love?

We open on Klaus criticizing Alaric’s wardrobe.

Katharine brings him up to speed on everything in Ric’s life: Elijah is dead from the dagger (Klaus wants him to stay that way), Ric’s on the outs with Jenna, and that’s it. That’s all Katharine knows. Oh, is it? After a maybe-compulsion? she adds that they were trying to find a way for Bonnie to kill an Original without the dagger, but Katharine doesn’t know if she even has powers.

Klaus has her stab herself in the leg? and says to keep doing it? for torture? Is this more compulsion? It’s absolutely not presented that way, so, like, why? And also, just in general, why? I mean, obviously, the writers think it makes him look, I dunno, cold, ruthless, like a big, scary, evil vampire who just does bad shit for giggles. It’s dumb, but I guess it works on neurotypicals?

Elena signs all the paperwork to become the sole owner of Castel Salvatore. Bonnie remarks she “wouldn’t want to clean it” and we’re right back to my question about servants and who’s scrubbing all those toilets.

Damon and Stefan discuss Klaus and how they just need to find him and then they can kill him.

HOLY SHIT Y’ALL THERE WAS JUST A POLICE CHASE DOWN MY STREET! Dude took out a mailbox, drove over a lawn and into someone else’s fence? side of the house? Hard to tell, don’t want to be too much of a looky-loo, but holy crapballs, that’s the most excitement we’ve had in… four years? Since there was a rollover from the main street onto our side street a few years back. That was at evening rush hour, though, so everyone got to looky-loo. It’s 12:30 on Thursday right now, we might be the only people home around here.

OK! Moving on, because the ambulance has come and gone, as well as 2 firetrucks and a few extra officers. Nothing more to see, I’m afraid. Elena signs the thing… Damon and Stefan are talking…. Here we go.

Damon wonders if Klaus has killed Katharine. Stefan says probably, but Damon looks disturbed by the thought, anyway. Parents are complicated.

Elena calls them back in, but of course she has to re-invite them, because all magical spells read legal paperwork in order to function. (I’m being bitchy, I know, but come ON, that’s a dumb way for a spell to work!) There’s a cute moment with her and Damon and then everyone’s back in the house.

Bonnie and Elena are going to school, and the boys think it’s too dangerous, but Elena rightly points out that she can’t live like that. She and Bonnie also say they’re ready for Klaus, but Klaus is wearing Ric! You’re not ready for that!

Matt shows up to see Liz. He’s freaked out that he has to lie about knowing everything Caroline told him, but Liz begs him to keep up a ruse until she figures out what to do, because everyone in town has been lying to her. Honestly? Poor Liz, too. Can you imagine?

These teenagers do, in fact, go to school! Not only do we see them in class, but they’re also going to this week’s BCE: A “decade dance” themed by the 1960s. “Ric” - Klalaric? Gonna have to check the subreddit to see what we call this. “Ric” says he can’t remember anything good about the 60’s. What even happened? Watergate?

Elena says, “That was the 70’s, Ric,” then quickly pivots to “Mr. Saltzman” when everyone else in class turns around like bitch what? But, uh, he’s dating her sister? Why wouldn’t she call him “Ric”? Not that weird, y’all.

“Ric” says it all mushes together, the 60s, the 70s, but dude, you’re GenX if you’re a day, and the most you remember of the 1970s is watching “Gilligan’s Island” first-run episodes. Watergate. FOH with that shit, you’re what, 10 years older than I am? tops? (I’m 47 now, btw; when this aired I was what, 32?)

Elena looks wildly uncomfortable in her seat, and I hope it’s because she’s done the generational math and realized that there’s literally no way Ric knows anything about the 1960s.

Jeremy is being kind of an ass about the whole Bonnie-might-have-to-die-to-kill-Klaus thing.

A rando comes up to Bonnie and Elena and says a totally hot guy just asked her if Elena is going to the dance. His name is Klaus and he’s saving the last dance for her! Isn’t that sweet?

Clearly, Rando Girl is being compelled, and I hope she doesn’t die later, but, y’know, you’re a rando, so sorry, girl, it’s been fun.

Everyone gets together at Castel S. and proceeds to make plans in front of Klalaric and show off Bonnie’s powers.

Klalaric goes “home” to plot with Maddox, his witch. Maddox says that Klaus just has to provoke Bonnie into using all the power she’s channeling and she’ll die. Maddox will put a protection spell on Ric’s human body so he’ll last longer than Bonnie will.

Caro has her and Matt dressing up as JFK and Jackie IN DALLAS, and wtf.

Everyone gets ready and shows up for the BCE.

Jeremy tries to give Bonnie his ring, but she rightly points out that it’s for protection from the supernatural, not made for someone who is. She’s also not convinced she’ll die. She thinks she’s strong enough, and you know what? I do, too. Not just because of plot armor. I think Bonnie is truly exceptionally gifted and she’ll come through this beautifully.

Klaus dedicates a song to Elena. Damon goes to talk to Ric. Jer and Bonnie go dance. You guys know how this goes, the dance episodes are the worst for like, one-line piece movement on the board.

Stefan brings Caroline up to speed. Damon dances with everyone. Stefan checks up on Jer, who’s too worried about Bonnie. Jer tells Stefan that Bonnie’s probably going to die and doesn’t want anyone to know so no one prevents her from doing it, but, like, PEOPLE SOMETIMES HAVE TO DIE TO STOP BAD STUFF.

Look. I don’t want to be this discourse weirdo, but let’s be honest: The habit American stories have of never having anyone die in order to stop life-ending threats is going to mean we’re fascists for much longer than any of us want. If no one ever has to sacrifice to accomplish anything, then clearly, no sacrifices will ever be needed in real life. Which ISN’T HOW LIFE WORKS.

We all have to sacrifice. Right now. We are going to have to give up so much, not only because our president is causing a global depression, but because WE MUST FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT AND MORAL AND THAT WILL INCLUDE DYING.

THAT WILL INCLUDE DYING.

Am I super jazzed about it? Do I want to die? FUCK NO. But that may be what is required of me in order to stay on the right side of history and of my own soul, and therefore, it is not beyond imagining or preparing for. Stories used to prepare us, as humans, for things we might have to do one day. Never letting anyone die in a story is tantamount to making us completely unprepared for what we’re living through right this second. I hate it, and I wish we’d never turned this way as a society, and I especially hate it in narratives where meaningful character deaths would make everything so much better.

Anyway, sorry for that, I know y’all are here for the memes and my unreasonable fondness for these terrible shows.

Obviously everyone tells Bonnie that “there has to be another way!” and “you dying is not an option!” and all that other nonsense. And Bonnie, to her credit, refuses to be swayed.

Klalaric compels a bunch of kids to attack our intrepid gang, including giving them weapons against vampires. Good thing they can’t shoot straight. While the kids are busy, Klalaric takes his body for a spin and tells Elena and Bonnie that “Klaus has Jeremy” so he can capture them. They follow through a couple halls but realize pretty soon that Ric isn’t Ric.

Elena guesses compelled, but of course it’s so much worse, and Klaus goes ahead and drops it on them right there in the school hallway. All because he didn’t want to hang out at a dance? Just, spilling all your secrets, all at once? The ADHD is coming from inside the house, eh? He tells Elena she has nothing to worry about, but Bonnie does - and begins his war of supernatural attrition. But he tells Bonnie that’s the plan, basically? These vampires need to learn to be way more tight-lipped, swear to god. Everyone has spies!

So she and Elena run, and quickly run into Damon, who’s been looking for them. Elena keeps running to find Stefan and Jeremy, but Bonnie fills Damon in on Klaus’s possession of Ric and the protection spell on Ric’s body, as well as the fact that killing Ric’s body won’t stop anything but Ric.

So Bonnie goes to battle Klaus and won’t let anyone help her? Couldn’t she channel from the vampires? Elena? Feels like a Guardians of the Galaxy moment, doesn’t it? The power of friendship keeps Bonnie alive?

But watching, I’m wondering if Bonnie isn’t making it look like she’s dead, without being dead? Because the battle is so short. So, so short, for someone who’s using the power of 100 powerful witches as well as her own. Also, Damon tells Stefan to take Elena out, and he’ll “deal with the body”, but… Yeah, I’mma call it, Bonnie’s faking for everyone’s sakes. Or at least that’s what I’ll tell myself actually happened when she inevitably turns up alive, because it’s a better story than whatever this writers’ room comes up with, guaranteed.

We’re in the last ten minutes. Damon takes Bonnie’s body and lays it lovingly in his trunk, then runs into Jeremy, who can’t find anyone. Damon tells him they have to have a talk.

Elena is weeping at Castel Salvatore. Stefan makes her some tea, but what good is that going to do? Her BFF is dead! And Klaus isn’t, which is the bigger problem just at the moment. Damon comes in and Elena is immediately blaming him, because she needs to blame someone who isn’t Bonnie, and Klaus won’t let her scream at him.

Damon gets a word in edgewise and I WAS RIGHT! FAKEOUT DEATH FOR BONNIE!

Thank god, I knew it looked fishy! And I’m so glad Bonnie isn’t dead!

Stefan wants to know why Damon didn’t tell them that was the plan, and he rightly points out that neither of them would have reacted appropriately. So he’ll “make all the life and death decisions…. and I’ll keep her alive.”

Bonnie’s hiding out at the witches’ grave house and Jeremy is keeping her company. She and Elena skype about it and cry together.

Damon even sort-of apologizes to Elena for not telling her and giving her some little trauma. But she has to be prepared for it to really happen, because it might. She says they’ll find another way, and he says he believes her. But he also says that he’ll let Bonnie die every time if he has to: he’ll always choose Elena. Always.

Elena leaves him and goes down to the dungeons and takes the dagger out of Elijah?!

And then it just ends?!?!?!?!?! WTF, Vampire Diaries! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E18: The Last Dance

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E17: Know Thy Enemy