Heh. That’s a good apron, might have to make me one (boobs too big, can’t wear commercial aprons. Well, I can, but, like, there’s then a clear demarcation down the middle of each tit where you can see what was protected and what wasn’t. I wear chef coats.). Let’s get started!

Elena is sleeping (hair down, titties in), and Dr. Martin -

Dr. Martin - that new teen witch’s dad - creeps on her from, like, the hall? Her bathroom? It’s maybe just a dream? She gets out of bed to check and ends up scaring the crap out of Alaric, who’s coming up the stairs with a bowl of ice cream, naked, with Jenna in tow. Everyone’s embarrassed, and Jenna wants to make sure that Elena’s okay with Ric being over so much. Elena is, and happy for Jenna. And good thing Jenna took up so much time - it gave Doc a chance to go through Elena’s shit and steal a bunch of her jewelry and some hair from her brush. This is why I leave my hair on the floor all over my house - impossible to tell whose it is, or if it’s even human!

And then Doc just walks down the stairs and out the door, and, like, I don’t know about y’all’s places, but my house creaks like a motherfucker 24/7. I know exactly who’s walking around my house. I know where they are. I know when the door opens and closes, because it’s fuckin’ loud and has a skeleton attached who rattles. How does this man just wander silently away?!

Damon and Stefan went to see Katharine. She offers them the moonstone (which I thought they already had? I mean, my memory is not good, but… yeah, anyway.) in exchange for getting out of the crypt, and she promises to fuck off out of Mystic Falls forever. They bring the deal to Elena, who doesn’t believe Katharine will do anything she says. They don’t, either, but they want the stone because it… contains the curse. They have to release the curse from the moonstone in order to destroy the curse without killing Elena or letting anyone benefit.

So, like - the curse is placed inside the stone (somehow, weird magic, never heard of it myself). If they break the stone, the curse is - or can be, the writers haven’t made their minds up yet, I’m sure - destroyed, without being broken, so all the effects of the curse are now eternally enforced.

Five minutes in, y’all. FIVE. They’re really front-loading the lore this week.

They want Bonnie to figure a way to get them into the crypt long enough to get the moonstone and get back out, but not long enough for Katharine to do it. They’re very proud of themselves for figuring all this out, but Elena says not to do it. It’s too dangerous, for one, even though she doesn’t articulate it like that. But consider: it’s much more likely that Katharine gets out and/or that one or both of the boys get killed or trapped with her. Or that she gets out and they’re trapped, like, worst-case scenario there.

But no, Elena says they need to go after Klaus first, because he’s the one coming to kill her and everyone she loves and knows. They say that Klaus won’t be coming if they destroy the spell, and they’re right, too, but Elena leaves the room.

Luka and Bonnie are discussing magic. Luka says she’s getting sick after practicing because she’s not drawing energy from nature or other witches. He teaches her how to channel another witch, and I hope it comes up again later - like when Bonnie sucks the marrow from Doc’s bones. (hee. Doc. Bones.)

Jeremy interrupts them and Luka goes on his way, leaving his necklace with Bonnie (and taking her bracelet with him). Jeremy says Luka is weird, and Bonnie sharply says he’s not. They might have gotten into it, but Damon texts Bonn and we’re on to the next scene!

Elena heads over to the Salvatores’ and finds Rose in a robe. Today is the day for finding naked people where you least expect them, huh, Elena?

She wants more info about Klaus. Rose says it’s a terrible idea, that there’s no way to get it without more danger. But Elena says Slater has to have more info, and Rose should take her. Elena offers a daywalking ring when Rose balks, both because of the danger and because clearly Damon and Stefan aren’t on board with Elena’s plan.

Matt apologizes to Tyler for “picking a fight”. He’s almost crying, it’s terrible. Tyler accepts, Matt heads to class, Caroline comes up to ask if Tyler has a plan for the full moon. He says he does, and it’s private. Caroline points out she’s Student Council Vice-President, head of the Prom Committee, and she single-handedly spearheaded the town’s clean-up campaign. Is Tyler really going to scoff at all that organizational expertise?!

Bonnie and Jeremy go over the tomb plan with Damon and Stefan. Jeremy is also against the plan, insisting that it’s too much for Bonnie - who shoots back that she’s learned some new things, she’ll be fine.

Jeremy offers to do it. He has his invincibility ring, he can get in, get the stone, get out. Damon asks why he’s even at the meeting. Bonnie interjects before they can argue that she can maybe help weaken Katharine further - does Damon or Stefan have anything of hers?

Elena and Rose are out of the house for that little summit meeting because they have gone to see Slater. Well, Slater’s body, obviously. Elena puts together from a ransacked office area that he was killed for information, probably by the same person who blew up the coffee shop. While she’s looking around, Rose moves the body but doesn’t take the stake out? But he’s not dust, couldn’t he come back from this? I mean, Elijah came back, and while he’s supposed to be older and more powerful, these are 500-year-olds, at least. Why does the narrative make them die like Newborns?! FIX YOUR LORE, jesus.

Elena tries to get into the computer - and by “tries” I mean wakes it up, sees it’s password-protected and gives up. They’re going to leave when they hear a noise. It’s another vampire, Alice -

No, not that one, we already have spiky hair covered (though Rose is wearing hers soft today). No, this is someone who knows Rose and flings herself into her arms, sobbing. I assume she was Slater’s partner.

Back at the Salvatores’, Bonnie does a spell on the photo of Katharine that will make the ashes toxic or something? I dunno, she explains it badly, but she’s going to blow the ashes into Katharine’s eyes and incapacitate her so the boys can get the moonstone. This spell gives her another nosebleed, which seems to shock her.

Tyler’s planning to hole up in the old crypt on the Lockwood property, where Mason was heading the last full moon, where Caroline killed people so her mother wouldn’t. She doesn’t tell Tyler any of that, of course. They find a journal of Mason’s, where he chronicled everything about his transformation, and included a… sim card? (Keep in mind I am 46 and bad with technology. I just know it’s not a zip drive.) Something that goes in a computer, looks like, with probably more info on it.

Bonnie empties out the ashes and gets ready to head to the crypt. She kisses Jeremy and reassures him that she will be fine. Uh-oh, Bonn, better hope you’re considered a main character. She goes to get a box or tupperware or old water bottle to put the ashes in, and while her back is turned, Jeremy sweeps some into his wallet.

Oh, Alice is… human? Rose says she was only crying because she was scared and had only been dating Slater to see if he’d turn her. Elena, prepared to parry Rose’s accusation of “overreacting” on Alice’s behalf, suddenly stiffens. Good girls don’t get turned, still, and she’s probably going to be a bitch when she offers Alice this tea she’s holding.

Oh, no, Alice is kind of a bitch, never mind. Everyone can be mean to her. Elena offers to have Rose turn Alice if Alice will give up Slater’s computer password. Which she does, getting them into all his files, even though Rose is not going to turn her. Elena lied!

They find a contact whom Slater had exchanged dozens of emails with, and have Alice call him. Elena tells her to tell him - Cody - that she wants to speak to Klaus. “Tell him the doppleganger is alive and ready to surrender.”

Elena leaves the room, but Rose follows, and Elena confesses: if she doesn’t willingly surrender, Klaus will kill her entire family. It’s her or them. She’s prepared for it to only be her.

First time I’ve been impressed by Elena. Lying to get what you need, willingly sacrificing yourself - I mean, obviously she’s not going to die, duh, but most writers’ rooms refuse to have anyone even contemplate dying if they’re a main character. (Looking at you, Marvel, and the trash that were those last two Avengers movies with the purple guy.) I understand neurotypicals absolutely will not sacrifice shit about shit, but over here in Tism Country, we actually have moral compasses. We’d die for a lot of reasons, almost all of them smaller than saving a world or a family.

Oh, Jeremy, you’re a moron. He thinks he can get the stone on his own, and goes to the crypt with the ashes and his ring to try it. She eats him, obviously, but he does throw the stone beyond the spell boundary.

Rose calls Damon just as he, Stefan, and Bonnie show up to the crypt. She tells him he needs to get to Richmond immediately.

Stefan and Bonnie go down and find the stone, and Katharine and Jeremy. Jeremy is wearing his ring, so he’ll just keep coming back to life, apparently, even if Katharine eats him?! Damn. She says she’ll be playing with her new toy while they work to get the crypt open, but, like… Don’t? She has to sleep sometime, just wait for it and then drag Jeremy out. Duh. You have the stone, he’s not going to die -

Those dumb motherfuckers are definitely going to open the tomb, aren’t they.

at least they aren’t voting for fascism *sigh*

Before we go to break, Doc is walking Elijah through the spell to… I dunno, kill Elena? Find her? Deliver her to Klaus? Oh, it’s finding. Seems weird. Couldn’t he just Google?

So, Elijah finds Elena. Luka comes home just as Bonnie uses his necklace to tap into his power. He makes a weird face, so Doc asks what’s going on, and he says nothing. Good plan. Your dad is terrible.

While the morons are moroning, Caroline and Tyler are learning about lycanthropy. The sim card thing was videos of Mason changing (well, obviously not his face), and of course they have his journal, documenting everything. Could have been a great reality show. He uses wolfsbane diluted in water to keep himself weak, and chains himself in a garage and documents what happened in the videos the next day. He doesn’t actually change, apparently, but he gets, like, animated by a wolf-spirit? Possessed? It’s actually a really, really good way to do werewolf stuff on a tv budget. No shitty prosthetics to be wildly unbelievable, and it also neatly sidesteps all the issues with actual transformation (she says, having thought way too much about it to write a were-ravens book). Good job, VD!

Damon shows up at Slater’s to take Elena back. She refuses. He threatens.

Bonnie and Luka are both falling from the spell. Luka tells his dad that Bonnie is channeling him, tho, so at least he knows what’s going on. I’m not happy about it, but I don’t think Luka should go down for his dad’s nonsense. Not until I’ve seen him engage in said nonsense, too.

They collapse, and the spell hasn’t been lifted. So Stefan, like an idiot, goes past the barrier to rescue Jeremy and gets his dumbfuck ass stuck in there.

KATHARINE SLEEPS, you ridiculous paper clips! WTF.

Tyler and Caroline bond some more about his transformation. It’s a nice moment. Caro knows what it’s like. She’s killed someone. And Tyler clearly needs someone to help him, even if she doesn’t know exactly what he’s facing. I’m rooting for these kids, who absolutely will not turn out well (this is a soap opera, no one turns out well).

Matt shows up at Caro’s to tell her he misses her, and looks dejected when he sees Tyler there.

A bunch of people show up to Slater’s before Damon can leave with Elena, including Elijah, who kills the other vamps and goes after Rose, who ran. Feels like you could probably catch up to her later, but sure, why not.

Except that Elijah is still at the Martins’? I’m so fucking confused. He went to Richmond? He sent a shadow to Richmond? Those vampires definitely had their hearts ripped out, and why didn’t he confiscate Elena? He says something to Doc about letting Damon live because he would die before he let Elena get taken, but, like, isn’t he centuries younger than you? Can’t you kill him?

vampires! how do they work? NOT LIKE THIS!

Bonnie and Jeremy fight about her having tried the spell, about him trying to get the stone, yadda yadda. You all are idiots, I don’t care. Die.

Damon brings Elena home, they’re still fighting. Jeremy opens the door and tells them about Stefan, and they have a new thing to fight about, all the way down to the crypt where nothing happens, except that Stefan tells Damon that Bonnie has the moonstone, and they should go cancel the curse, or whatever. Why’d we come down here, then? We couldn’t text anyone?

We end with a dumb quip from Katharine, and I am just… blergh. Why are these people so fuckin’ dumb? Am I talking about these characters, or the 52% of white women who are absolute Nazi cunts (because you have to be a moron to vote for that thing, do not at me, do not tell me to stop being political)?

Clearly, my bowl has worn off, and it’s time to re-medicate. Join me next week, when hopefully my fave character in an episode won’t be Elena!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E10: The Sacrifice

SGRoA: Vampire diaries, s2 e9: Katerina