SGRoA: Vampire diaries, s2 e9: Katerina

Oh, good, a Katharine episode. Yay. Feels perfect for this week, eh? I mean, a weird, selfish, narcissistic pedophile taking center stage? Feels very American right now. Only good thing that’s happened is the FOUR FULL DAYS OF SNOW that I’m getting. Will it defeat fascism? No. But at least it’s here, and it’s pretty, and it’s not 80 goddamn degrees in Denver because of Exxon-Mobil. I guess we should get started.

We open in Bulgaria, 1490. These costumes oughtta be good. Someone whom I assume is Katharine is giving birth; it’s a girl, and a man whisks it away before Katharine can hold her. The midwife? her mom? who knows?! - tells her it’s for the best, it’s better for the baby. The man had said she disgraced the family, so my guess is out-of-wedlock kid?

Elena shows up at the Salvatores’. Stefan called, said it was important: Rose and her spiky-ass bob are staying with them. They all sit down for a summit, or something, and Rose starts to give some exposition, but someone told someone in the writers’ room that people can’t just infodump, EVEN WHEN IT’S APPROPRIATE, so we get a very disjointed conversation.

Klaus is an Original, one of the “first generation” of vampires. Compared to him, Elijah “was” the Easter Bunny. Klaus is the oldest - the Source? of all vampires? of their kind of vampires? They don’t get into those questions. Existentialism isn’t half so interesting as Elena gazing into her own navel, as usual. Klaus might be after her, he might not even know about her. He might not even be alive! No one’s seen him in centuries, so maybe Elena’s off the hook?

As interesting as it would be to grill these three on actual vampire history - not just how it pertains to Elena - if I were Elena, I’d be much more interested in this “Petrova Dopplegangers” business, frankly. Is she just some weird metaphysical petri-dish kid? Is it like Never Let Me Go, and she’s just… organs? to some other person? Or like, metaphysical organs?

I’m sure none of this will ever be explained.

Elena stands up at the end of this and makes to leave without saying much of anything. She’s late for school.

guess it’s not summer? 

Bonnie and Jeremy are flirting their way from the parking lot to class, and it’s very cute, but the captions have suddenly decided that words ending in “ing” also now need an apostrophe at the end, as such: “Elena’s running’ late today”, “I was hanging’ out”. Like they anticipated writing “runnin” or “hangin”, which would each necessitate the closing apostrophe, but then they… didn’t do that.

Tangent: I once applied for a captioner position. I ended up fucking up the test, blah blah, whatever, it’s not very important, but I sometimes wonder what the state of the captioning industry would be if I had gotten in on it. Probably the same, with shitty captions done by AI and people who don’t know words. I’m very sorry for Deaf/HoH folks who need the captions more than I do (I have auditory processing disorder, so I hear okay, I just can’t unscramble it in my brain sometimes). They get none of the swearing, none of any other languages, and erroneous vocabulary choices. I’d stick to audiobooks.

Jer and Bonnie run into a new student, Luka, who is racially ambiguous and has a scruffy little Amish goatee that only covers half his chin? I mean, also, he’s 30 if he’s a day, given the bags under his eyes and those forehead lines, but the Amish goatee is so, so bad. He might be good-looking, but I can’t get past it.

He makes eyes at Bonnie, so obviously Jeremy personally escorts him to the office, to get him away from Bonn. Lol. Cute. An appropriate amount of jealousy. I like it. I wish I could watch hours of nothing but Jeremy and Bonnie.

Elena has picked up Caroline, given her a story for why they both weren’t at school, and dragged her out to the raveyard tomb so Elena can ask Katharine about Klaus. Caroline objects to this plan: Katharine doesn’t tell the truth, Elena’s not going to get what she wants, and Caroline is bad at lying. Get better, Caro: you’ve got fangs now. (Elena had to bring Caro to move the stone from the tomb. Not a single person in that writers’ room has any idea what a powerful image that could have been, guaranteed.)

Katharine shuffles out into the light, and I guess we’re supposed to think she’s in a bad way, but 1) Nina Dobrev can’t act, and that extends even more to physical acting, and 2) she just looks a little disheveled. No gray hair, no wrinkles, even her cheekbones are still perfect, not sunken or anything. Which brings up a ton of questions that I’m sure will never be answered, or will be answered several times, all differently. How often do they have to eat? How much at each meal? What happens when they starve? Can starving kill them? Do they lose their minds? Do they not lose their minds, and is that worse? How much does it take to revive them at which points in their starvation?

Also, no idea how long she’s been in the raveyard. Judging by what I’m shown in the show? 2 days. Maybe as much as a week? I’ll be generous and say a week. So why Katharine is even disheveled, I’ve no idea. For some reason she’s not wearing any shoes, most of the wear and tear is in her dusty-ass toes. I wonder if she’s even capable of being horny for underage peen?!

Elena brought her some… clothes? a blanket? something like that; the Petrova family Bible, which says the family line ended with Katharine, and a water bottle of blood.

So the story is that after her baby was taken, she was sent to England. She met Klaus there in 1492 - he was a nobleman she was “taken with”, which - together with the bed she gave birth in - suggests she was also nobility. In the late medieval period I don’t think you could get near a noble unless you were also one - I mean, like, socially. I’m sure they could physically be near each other, lol, that’s hysterical. Velvet rope for the peerage, bouncer for the rabble.

Anyway, we get a flashback. You’ll be shocked to learn that Katharine is running through the forest with her hair down and her titties out! Elijah is chasing her with a bunch of vamps, all of them in the worst wigs I’ve ever seen. And I recapped Forever Knight. That kid Elijah decapitated is here - Derek? Dylan? TREVOR - and his wig is bad and dirty. But he’s helping Katharine, sending her to a cottage. Katharine tells Elena that Klaus wanted her for the same reason he will now want Elena: to drain her blood and end the curse that was apparently put on all vampires and all werewolves for all of time by a minor Aztec deity.

Damon demands that Rose tell him how to find Klaus. She says he finds you, but does eventually give up the name Slater, in Richmond, who helped her get in touch with Elijah.

Caroline catches Stefan before he can leave school to check on a “sick” Elena, and confesses to him that she told Tyler she’s a vampire. So that should keep him occupied for a while.

So Klaus wants a Petrova to break the curse because “the curse was bound by the sacrifice of Petrova blood”. That means fuck-all, bitch. Whenever the “doppleganger” appears - which is just a person born in this family, it seems like, and not, like, some sort of secret genetic research or magic or something - they can be used to break the curse, if they’re, like, caught and exsanguinated. I’m having to put this together from all these ridiculous non-answers that just showcase words being used in new and unilluminating ways. EXPLAIN YOUR WORLD-BUILDING BETTER.

Flashback time! This bitch is full-on wearing a late 18th-century costume with a motherfucking HOOP SKIRT under it to run through the woods in 1492.

No, wait, I lied: it’s 1880s does 1790s! IT’S WORSE SOMEHOW!

Katharine gets to the cottage where a woman answers the door and says she doesn’t invite strangers into her home. Yikes, lady. It’s 1492. Is that even legal? Katharine says that Trevor told her they’d help. I went and looked it up, because I am a bitch, and let me be the first to say: I don’t think they looked it up to make sure, but yes, Trevor as a name has been in use since antiquity. It’s from the Welsh. Looks like the Tiffany Problem all over again.

Anyway, Rose is in the cottage, too, in a bad wig, too. She’s compelled the older woman, whose cottage it must be, and she locks Katharine up to take her back to Klaus come nightfall. Even though it’s nighttime outside right now.

Damon and Rose have reached Richmond and parked in Slater’s building. Oh, wait, the parking garage attached to Slater’s… coffee shop.

I - You know what? Nope. Let’s move on.

Slater knows all about Damon and the raveyard and the tomb, because he told Rose about them. But where’s Trevor? What’s going on?

Flashback Time! Rose is wearing a 17th-century doublet over a 19th-century shirt and a HOOP SKIRT!

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy are the costumes so bad? It’s like when I was in the madrigal group in high school and this one girl made flyers to sell our singing services for holiday parties, and on it, it said that we would show up in our “Renaissance Victorian costumes”. When we asked her wtf that meant - they’re Renaissance, yes, no Victorian involved, wtf are you talking about - she was all, “Isn’t it the same? People hire Victorian for Christmas, so isn’t that what we are?”

I don’t even remember her name, still can’t fuckin’ stand her. YOU’RE STANDING IN A SCHOOL. YOU COULD LEARN SOMETHING.

Anyway, Katharine was trying to kill herself so Rose feeds her to make her healthy enough to send back to Klaus. But Katharine kills herself and turns, so Trevor (who’s “in love” with Katharine, for some reason? He’s at least 21, Katharine, jeez. Old Man River.) and Rose will have to run forever, apparently.

Halfway point, feels like a good time to pop out for a bowl. BRB, y’all, feel free in ingest a substance of your choice, I’m not here to tell you drugs won’t help. They will.

Elena is - appalled? sad? it’s definitely an emotion of some sort - about Katharine killing herself. But, like - Klaus was gonna kill her anyway, she didn’t want to die like that, why not go on your own terms? I don’t think she knew about the vampirism. Oh, no, she did, she did it precisely to thwart Klaus. So Elena was disapproving. I see.

Katharine points out that Elena doesn’t have to die by Klaus if she doesn’t want to, and opens a vein. Like she’d choose you, even if America’s obsession with Puritanical thinking allowed Elena to choose vampirism at all. It’s 2009, so Elena can fuck, she just can’t like and pursue fucking, so she can’t be a vampire. Who’s done a thesis on this? Can I read it? I need someone smarter than I am to reference when I make these points, because I sound fuckin’ dumb, tell y’all what.

So Katharine used Trevor and Rose to help her escape and turn her, and she’s sorry that Klaus will kill them, but hey. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I agree with Katharine. When everyone is out for themselves, and you lending any charity will get you killed, you can’t worry about what might be more moral or more good. Good is you staying alive. Duh.

Elena, of course, is still disapproving. I’m glad you’ve always had such good choices, Elena. There are so many other high horses to get up on around Katharine, and this is the one you choose?

Caroline and Stefan are at The Grill so Caro can stuff her face and therefore not kill people. Stefan promises he won’t tell Damon that Caro told Tyler. Caro wonders why Stefan’s so nice to her, and he says that she reminds him of Lexi. She’s so shocked he had a friend, it’s hilarious. Stefan, you’re a sad sack, of course it’s weird to hear you have fun, bubbly girl friends like Caroline. (Lt. Kirk? Yeah, of course. Just not Stefan.)

Bonnie, meanwhile, is across the room running into Luka and his dad, whose goatee is normal-shaped, but little more than a 5 o’clock shadow. He’s a doctor, who knew some Bennetts when he did his residency in Massachusetts - does Bonnie have family in Salem?

Jeremy shows up before she has to elaborate on her “yes”. She looked a little panicked, there.

Damon assures Slater that Elijah is dead. Slater mourns Trevor and brags about his degrees. (18, 3 Masters, and 4 phDs.) He can’t reach Klaus: his connections only go to Elijah, and if Elijah is dead, well. He can’t get you anyone.

Elijah is outside the cafe, staring in at this conversation, taking all the coins from a street musician’s guitar case and leaving a $100 bill, for some reason. The musician looks like Darryl Dixon. coINciDENcE?

Luka horns in on Jeremy and Bonnie’s game of pool, declaring he has winner. Bonnie looks decidedly irritated - what did she see when she made sure to touch Luka’s shoulder before?

Caroline tries to keep Stefan from leaving, and he tells her the jig is up. Where’s Elena? She says she can’t tell him, but she’s not in danger. Stefan guesses she’s with Damon - “Ew, no!” - and then leans on his friendship with Caro, but Caro won’t give Elena up.

OMG, FINALLY, something that makes sense! Katharine came back to get Elena to trade for her getting back in Klaus’s good graces! THANK YOU. My god. Stefan was not worth so much trouble.

To break the spell, you need: 1 Petrova doppleganger: Elena. 1 werewolf: Tyler. 1 moonstone: got from Mason. 1 vampire: Caroline. 1 witch: Bonnie will work fine. Katharine was going to round them up (or make them, in the cases of Tyler and Caroline) and ship them off to Klaus to clear her own books. Once again - I do not, necessarily, disagree. But I do watch a lot of Star Trek, so I’d probably try for diplomacy first.

At the cafe, Damon points out that Elijah daywalked, so clearly the Originals know about the rings. Why would Klaus want to lift the curse so that any old vamp could do it? Turns out that if the vampires break the spell, the curse would stay on the wolves forever. If the wolves break it, vice-versa.

Elijah is still listening. Damon asks Slater if they can prevent the curse from being broken at all - say, by de-powering the moonstone and rendering it useless? Slater says maybe, but why would they want to? Damon says there’s this prissy, boring teenager who might die, and we can’t have that. She’s the audience self-insert!

Slater says he’s not going to help, that’s dumb, especially if Damon won’t tell him the reason. He wants to walk in the sun! Damon says he’ll make that happen if Slater helps him, and Elijah launches all the coins he’s been holding into the cafe windows - the triple-paned, tinted, UV-blocking cafe windows.

They shatter. Slater and Rose are burning, screaming, and Damon swears he sees Elijah, but then he’s gone again, and Damon has to help his compatriots. He gets Rose to the car - she’s already healing - but Slater ran a different direction, probably to a safe room he would have more nearby. Damon’s just going to drive Rose back to Mystic Falls. She’s convinced it was Klaus, and starts crying, saying they’re all dead.

Luka and his dad are witches. They seem good, though. Dad has some self-hatred issues, maybe? and also they want to be called “warlocks” for no good reason. Witch is gender-neutral. Just ask Giles Corey.

Stefan comes into the crypt and tells Elena not to believe Katharine, she’ll never tell the truth! He’ll take care of her!

Katharine says that’s dumb, and continues Flashback Time. She goes home to Bulgaria and everyone’s dead. Katharine concludes, as has everyone, that Klaus will have vengeance. He will kill Elena. He’ll kill everyone. Unless, maybe, they have the moonstone she’s holding. Stefan says they won’t give her her freedom for it, and she says she doesn’t want it - when Klaus shows up - and he will - she wants to be in the tomb no vampire would dare to enter, because they could never leave.

She’ll stay right where she is, thanks, and she walks back into the crypt with the stone.

Damon and Rose bond, and then fuck.

Jeremy’s been bested by Luka - at least tonight. Bonnie’s having a great conversation; Jeremy leaves.

Elena breaks down because everyone’s in danger, not just her, and she feels responsible for helping them. Stefan holds her.

Katharine breaks down upon finding a sketch of her parents.

Slater calls Rose: he doesn’t want to be involved, but they can destroy the curse. They’ll need the moonstone and a witch - the witch should be able to figure out the rest. Elijah is very pleased by Slater’s performance, but then, Slater was compelled. Just like he’s being compelled to stake himself dead. After all, it’s necessary.

“Was it really?” asks DOCTOR MARTIN?!?!?!?!?

WTF? For all I bitched at the start, this was actually a pretty good episode, costumes notwithstanding. Come back next week to see why the fuck this Black witch from Salem is involved!