I can’t imagine any of these vamps voting for this one, can you? These people… well, I mean, all the confederacy nonsense, to begin with, right? Remember to check your registration! Let’s get started!

We open on Elena and Stefan in bed, and Stefan has tattoos? How do those work? We’ll ignore, for the moment, that they seem to be wings that originate from a tramp stamp, and concentrate on how the ink works. Did he get them before? After? What does a vamp body do to tattoo ink? Because like a regular body will eventually break it down and carry it away - that’s why tattoos fade, the body’s immune system eventually gets around to it. Would a vamp body get rid of a tattoo in double time? Never get rid of it? Does it depend on what you’re drinking? What kind of vampire you are? All of Josephine’s scars went away when she turned; would her tattoos also have gone, if she had any?

And people say I focus on the wrong things in media. Pshaw. This is the interesting shit!

We’re intercutting Stefan and Elena and Katharine and Mason, they’re all in bed, waking up, blah blah. I absolutely do not care about these people. I would like a show entirely out of Damon, Caroline, and the Council. Also, where’s Bonnie been? Is she not involved this season? No weird magic for her to do poorly?

Elena says she has to get going, she volunteered to decorate for “that Lockwood charity thing”.

Katharine wants to know where the moonstone is. “Somewhere safe.”

Stefan has to try some more cheese. Sorry, I mean, “drink a miniscule amount of Elena’s blood from a prick on her finger that probably isn’t enough for a blood glucose monitor.” Try cheese.

We get our opening sting, and Jeremy has shown up at the Salvatores’. He wants to talk to Damon about how Tyler isn’t a werewolf, because he hasn’t killed anyone, but Damon doesn’t seem to care. Also, Damon has like four lamps right next to the door, and has a fire going, even though the sun is shining and I THINK it’s summer, because no one’s gone to school? and also all the parties? and I know none of that is definitive, but I’mma go with summer, so what is with all the lamps and fires?

Damon tries to close the door on Jer, but Jer includes that Mason has already changed and is looking for a moonstone. Damon asks what Elena thinks about all this, but of course Jeremy hasn’t told her. Damon eventually lets him in.

The Lockwoods are throwing their annual masquerade ball, which Mayor always loved. It’s literally never been mentioned, but sure, VD. Is this more or less exciting than the Founders’ Ball? Or is this just the Founders’ Ball in a different package because we’re not so into the Founders anymore? I mean, clearly that’s why no one is telling Jenna fuckin’ anything, so when she invites Stefan to dinner and he says he broke up with Elena, Jenna’s all “I heard you banging this morning, please don’t lie to me.”

TELL JENNA. Is she not a Founder now? John hightailed it the fuck out of Dodge, and no one thinks she should be included in the Council? No one in her family thinks she might be able to keep herself out of danger better if they just TELL HER SHIT? Does anyone ever tell her, or am I going to watch EIGHT fuckin’ seasons of Jenna knowing nothing?

Oh there’s Bonnie! She shows up to do volunteer shit. She looks around for Caroline, and Elena says she’s not coming. Bonnie then talks about losing Caroline? Why? Bonn says since Caro turned, she hasn’t seen Elena much, either, and didn’t think losing Caroline would make her lose Elena?

Is this from Caro eating that one guy? I thought Bonn just disappeared, I don’t remember anything happening, but let’s be honest: I don’t exactly pay a bunch of attention when the girlies are fighting, because they’re so often fighting about nothing? It’s impossible for a middle-aged autist to understand this shit. I didn’t understand it when I was a teenager. Girls would try to triangulate me with another friend and I would just walk up to the other friend and be all, “Nicole said you hate me, which is fine if true, I’ll leave you alone, but I wanted to hear it from you.” They only tried it once, because I refused to give them what they wanted: drama.

But it means I don’t understand teenaged soaps. Oh, well. I’ll cry about it never.

So Elena drags Bonnie someplace quiet where they can talk. About Caro, I guess. Or something.

Caroline goes to see her mom in the Salvatores’ dungeon. So it’s like a day since the last volunteer party?

Ric brings his wife’s research over to Damon’s, and asks Jeremy if Elena knows Jeremy is here. Y’all can bring her up to speed later, jesus. You guys like meetings, huh? Y’all should get a crop of useless little email jobs, where you send your little emails and then have meetings all day. I think you’d like it.

Ric brings up the Aztec curse about the vampires and werewolves.

so much better when he did it, and that's saying something, because that show was worse

To remind you: an “Aztec shaman” put a curse on vampires and werewolves, to make it so vampires are weakened by sun and werewolves can only change on a full moon. This applies to all werewolves and vampires, everywhere, forever, apparently, instead of something normal happening like thinking it’s a story, like The Garden of Eden and the fall of humanity, or whatever.

Like, this is dumb, right? Like really dumb, for real? As long as we’re all on the same page about its inherent dumbness, I’m willing to accept and move on.

The moonstone “sealed” the curse, which is apparently something witches do when they curse people? News to this witch, but in VD land, witches seal curses with objects, and the objects are then the key to breaking the curses. Like the moonstone, so now we know why Katharine is after it. But Katharine had it, all those years ago, and just… gave it away? Wouldn’t it have been easier to do her plans while being able to daywalk all the time, without rings? Why would she wait? (Because we’re making the plot up as we go, but unlike novelists, TV showrunners don’t get to fix it in post!)

Jeremy and Damon head out to get the moonstone from Tyler (because they don’t know he doesn’t still have it).

Elena sums up what’s been happening with Katharine and everything for Bonnie, and we hear the end of it. Bonn says she knows where she stands, and where Elena stands, but where does their friendship stand?

WHERE DO YOU STAND, BONNIE? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

Like, I must have missed something or forgotten something, because everything I can find in my brain about Bonnie is that she doesn’t like vampires, but that doesn’t explain where she’s been or why no one’s talking to her. “Doesn’t like” is also not “a sworn enemy for life, I can’t talk to you anymore”, so… was I supposed to assume that that’s what it means to Bonnie?

Please rescue me in the comments. Please.

Anyway, Elena says they’re still best friends and Bonnie says she “can’t” in regards to Caroline. Can’t what, no one knows, BONNIE NEVER TELLS US!!!!!!!!!!!

Y’all, we’re only 10 minutes in. I’m already exhausted.

Mason has a tote of old clothes. Now, I’m not sure if all y’all even know what a tote looks like:

but it’s what stores get their stuff in. I first learned about totes when I worked for Circle K and had to unload MacLean’s trucks at night. It makes a ton of sense that a TV show has totes around. It does not make a ton of sense that rich people in small-town Virginia have totes around, but that’s what Mason has. Would have thought he preferred jars.

He and Stefan are dicks to each other, and then he runs into Bonnie, literally, so she has a vision of Elena being kissed by Mason. She tells Stefan, and he realizes: Mason and Katharine are in it together.

Damon and Jeremy walk by Elena and Elena has to yell at Jer about hanging with Damon. Boring.

Stefan tells Damon about Mason and Katharine, and Damon’s a little too jealous for my taste. Like, Damon, I don’t think Mason is worth a lick of spit either, but neither is Katharine, first of all, and she’s still not going to pick you.

Damon brings Stefan up-to-speed about the moonstone. He says Jeremy’s getting it from Tyler, and then Stefan also yells at him about involving Jeremy.

Matt and Tyler are talking about Caroline. Tyler calls her a bitch. Nice, Ty.

Jeremy concocts some story about doing research on the moonstone, and Tyler says he gave it to Mason.

Elena is texting Stefan, even though they’re not supposed to be in contact.

Damon and Stefan ask Bonnie for a favor, but before they can even get it out, Elena is calling Stefan because he said he would fill her in later, and she’s a moron. YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER. YOU WILL GET YOURSELF KILLED.

Stefan goes off to talk to Elena, and Damon asks Bonnie what she does to him when she “sets his brain on fire”, and apparently it’s just an aneurysm, but he heals super fast so she can keep doing it. So she does it to Mason and she and the Salvatores take him in his truck elsewhere so they can interrogate him, I think? Will he heal, too? I guess werewolves do heal quickly, just not as quick as vamps. Do they live longer than humans, too? I don’t read werewolf shit, I know nothing about them.

Caroline and Liz talk, finally, and we catch back up with them as Caro is explaining the difference between fresh and bottled blood. Seems like they might make up? I hope so. Liz seems mollified by the fact that Caro doesn’t have to kill.

Damon ties Mason up while Bonnie puts her hands on his head to try to find the moonstone. Somewhere small and dark and wet: a well. Bonn takes off and Damon starts the torture.

Bonnie almost makes it, but then Caroline catches her in the front hall. Bonnie is weird, and apparently just can’t “forgive” Caroline, I guess? Whatever, I would forgive her. Exigent circumstances and all. Caro helps her remember where the well they played in as kids was - edge of the Lockwood property, obviously. Bonnie texts Stefan and takes off, rebuffing Caro’s offer to go with.

Elena is talking with Matt about Caroline, sees Stefan leave, and immediately follows him.

The moonstone is in the well, which has been poisoned with vervain. So Stefan obviously jumped right in, without even thinking for a moment, and now he’s trapped.

Oh, thank god, we’re halfway through! I CAN concentrate sometimes!

Caroline shows up at the well and almost jumps in, too, but Elena stops her.

Damon is torturing Mason. I hate it; torture doesn’t get you anything and it’s gross. Jeremy doesn’t seem very enthused, either, and Damon had told him to leave, but Jeremy found out about wolfsbane and brought some of it up from the research files? Yeah, sure, why not. Seems it works on the wolves like vervain on the vamps.

Caroline gets the chains for the well to untangle or something and puts Elena down the thing. Bonnie shows up, too. They get Stefan out of the well, and Elena finds the moonstone, but there’s snakes in the water and a lot of dumb screaming, and then they pull her up. She feeds Stefan immediately.

Mason tells Damon Katharine wants to lift the curse with the moonstone because she loves him.

Damon tells Jeremy to leave, he’s going to kill Mason now. Jer fights, but goes, and Damon literally rips Mason’s heart out.

Elena sneaks in to her house and Ric sees her.

Liz and Caroline make up. Liz says not to compel her, she doesn’t want to tell, she doesn’t want to do anything to hurt Caroline. She’s shocked and proud that Caroline is all of a sudden a strong and confident woman. She says she knows she can trust her mother, but her mother won’t ever trust vampires, so she has to be compelled. And Caro does it. And makes her forget that she’s a vampire, and that they ever reached common ground.

Damon sends a text from Mason’s phone to Carol Lockwood, saying he took off to Florida for a “great opportunity”. Then he decides to redial the last number called, and of course it’s Katharine. Damon wants to gloat, but Katharine rightly points out that she’s always been several steps ahead of them and she obviously has backup plans.

Katharine then calls Elena at home to tell her that she knows she and Stefan have been lying, and she got into the house and compelled Jenna, who’s been spying for her for days. And Katharine suggested Jenna kill herself, so she stabs herself while cooking dinner, just as Katharine hangs up.

Jenna will be fine, as per the doctors at the hospital. Jeremy assures Elena that Katharine will pay.

Carol tells Tyler that Mason “took off for Florida”, and Tyler’s annoyed, but not really surprised.

Stefan and Elena talk about it. Elena says they were stupid, thinking they could sneak around, and I don’t think any of this is Stefan’s fault, girl.

And then she breaks up with him. Again. Because this is hurting people she loves! Because it’s required by the conventions of the genre! Because I guess this is a thing teenagers do! I did not date as a teen, I would not know!

In the last minute, we see Katharine compelling Matt to “go after” Tyler. And he won’t stop until Tyler kills him.

Katharine needs a werewolf, after all.

And that’s it! A bunch of little shit that seemingly leads us nowhere! I can’t expect more of a soap, I know, I watched 20 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy before I cancelled Hulu. But that one’s better written, and not about children, which maybe makes it not so weird? Who knows. I just wish Elena were half as charismatic and entertaining as Meredith Grey, honestly. This show with literally any other protagonist would be so much better.

Anyway. See you next week, Snowflakes!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E6: Plan B

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E7: Masquerade

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E5: Kill Or Be Killed